For my birthday, I'd love a bit of tail
It's fine if it's got stripes on it - and if it doesn't bite the hand that strokes it, I won't call it names
It is my birthday today and I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of a sultry, underdressed babe from the Balkans to participate in the festivities.
Every year, for the past 47 years, Brenda has asked me what I want for my birthday. My reply is always the same. "A threesome, please."
It almost happened in 1969 but Brenda discovered they shared an interest in horse riding and, while I was in the garage mixing up a bucket of amyl nitrate and baby oil, they went off to the stables.
I have resented horses ever since.
This could be my lucky year. In fact, if my birthday present doesn't speak English, I think I may take her as a second wife. Talking is the cause of a tremendous amount of marital discord and a permanent communication breakdown with a spare wife could be the answer to a happy marriage.
I must say, I rather like what Jacob Zuma is doing with the Vietcong-type underground tunnels connecting his bedroom with those of his wives. Every country should have a president with a revolving door policy, even if it is only visible to the naked women.
I would also like a tiger for my birthday. Stripes make me look thinner. I expect this is the reason wildlife filmmaker John Varty began collecting tigers a few years ago. I will do things differently. For a start, I won't call my tiger Corbett. Tigers prefer fierce names, like Shere Khan or Imran Khan.
So you could hardly blame Corbett for taking a swing at Varty last month. "Now who's got a gay name?" snarled Corbett, flicking blood from his claws. The other tigers were suitably impressed. "Farty," they shouted as one. "Farty has a gay name." Tigers can't say their vees.
Having a tiger sanctuary in the Free State is like having a polar bear sanctuary in Windhoek. Things are bound to get a little crazy. Speaking after the tiger attacked him, Varty said he is in magnificent physical condition and his neck swells to make himself look even more ferocious. I don't know what condition Corbett is in.
Varty says he is now contemplating Corbett's future. Give him his own television show? Hire him out to supermodels? Send him on a trip to visit family in India?
Not quite. Varty seems to think Corbett deserves nothing less than a lethal injection. Corbett's mistake, much like mine, was to grow up and want to head out in search of mature females. Except Corbett can't.
"He is angry with me - he was once wild and now he is confined," said Varty.
You stupid tiger. This is all your fault. Did your mother never tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you?
The question is: should Corbett or Varty be put down? Answers on a postcard, please.