Parents who are consciously aware will look at a child's potential, reminding themselves that children should be raised according to their God-given character. Children should not be expected to live out the dreams of their parents, but rather encouraged to pursue their own
Babies are born without manuals and teenagers don't respond to a 10-point plan. Each child and young adult is unique and deserves to be recognised and treated as such. Don't let this add to your burden.
The times we live in are interesting and, dare I say, challenging. As parents, we are bombarded with information and "expert opinions" that often send conflicting messages. The outcome is that parents often feel a deep sense of guilt and judgment even as they try their best.
Thankfully, there are a few umbrella principles that are true for all parent-child relationships.
As parents, we have to juggle many other roles daily. Stress can be multiplied through work, friends and family relationships and the pressure of life in general. I often receive correspondence from parents who comment on the difficulty of getting the understanding, co-operation and support they need within their families.
These parents are trying their best to create some form of sanity and stability within the family routine while still facing conflicts, bad moods, moaning, dissatisfaction, arguments and general grumpiness. They also tell me they feel drained and do not have the energy to think about all the things that they should think about.
Parents' frequently asked questions include:
Becoming a more efficient, effective, connected and productive parent is a journey. It is not about formulas, seven-point plans and the clichéd, pop-psychology approach often found in books and seminars. There are no quick fixes.
Let's consider the basis of the family unit. Many people live subconsciously in their marriage. Often they are totally unaware that their spouse has already moved on emotionally. Some couples don't share their feelings and thoughts and the silence is deafening.
This easily translates into living subconsciously in our relationships with our children. Knowing their current favourite song or movie is not the same as knowing their deepest fears or dreams. Living a subconscious life in subconscious relationships is not enough; the result of this type of lifestyle is disconnected families.
"Survival mode" forces parents into justifying "natural consequences" and "positive incentives" as power abuse and a means of control.
Parents can benefit by shifting towards increasing awareness and consciousness of the forces that run their lives. Doing so will help them break free of old patterns and ways of reacting that only result in more conflict.
Living in a conscious state of mind means parents can have their thoughts provoked to enjoy a creative process that inspires them to maximise their personal and relational potential within their family.
Obviously, this calls for intentional living. It takes a deep sense of ownership and maturity on the part of parents to arrive at and enjoy a conscious relationship with themselves, with God, their partner, their children and extended family members.
As parents we have to shift from always wanting to measure ourselves by means of undefined "good communication" to becoming more deeply connected with the inner being of all family members.
It requires time and effort to learn new patterns relating and connecting. Sometimes, the best communication is silent companionship.
These connections will create a "safety net" for each member of the family wherein the full spectrum of emotions can be expressed without fear of retribution.
How do we do this? We need to discover the lives of our children from their perspective. We need to invite them to tell us more about their feelings and when they do, to use words like "tell me more", "no kidding", "really?", and "I want to be sure I understand you".
The notion of kids and dogs possessing an "honesty radar" is true. We need to give our undivided attention while a family member is baring their soul. This also means not reacting to situations to the extent that we become so angry or upset that we can't think straight.
Conscious parenting means we must educate ourselves on our children's lifestyles and all that goes with it. We must be aware of the basics of every phase of development so that we are able to respond appropriately and focus on the development of our children's potential. Conscious parents do not become confused and act like two-year-olds. They are able to set clear boundaries and keep the rules simple. They focus on creating a safe environment - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
In terms of parenting styles we need to identify ourselves as either authoritarian, permissive, or assertive-democratic. Whatever our style, we must establish a safe environment in our homes. It must be a place where values and issues are clarified, reasons are given for limits and where a high priority is given to internalising what is learned into a lifestyle. This type of home is a place where lots of practice in making choices is woven into the fabric of relationships.
Parents who are consciously aware will look at a child's potential, reminding themselves that children should be raised according to their God-given character. Children should not be expected to live out the dreams of their parents, but rather encouraged to pursue their own.
Ownership and responsibility are not used as punishment or a sense of judgement, but expressed with clear limits so that children are not confused, feel insecure and then make poor choices.
Talent sets, skills, sporting abilities, musical capacity, social capacity and personal dreams need to be known and nurtured and put into context so that the parents don't turn into slave drivers of talent.
It is not always easy, but I am convinced that parenting can be enjoyed. There is no greater joy in my life as a father and grandfather than to look at my children and their children and see them living fully, realising their ever-growing potential in an ever-challenging world.
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