GOSSIP GOAL: Off-field antics to raise heartbeats
If you enjoy watching shows that leave you salivating over famous people's lifestyles, you might be seduced by DSTV's newest channel, TRACE Sports.
So, you have no interest in sport? Stop yawning - this is not another SuperSport or ESPN.
It is the E! Entertainment of sports channels and focuses on the stars' personal lives, not their on-field action.
From the scheduled line-up, we can safely assume that showing off and gossip will be the order of the day.
There are also countdowns, such as top 20 athlete-and-celebrity hook-ups. I predict Posh and David Beckham and Lewis Hamilton and Nicole Scherzinger will be somewhere near the top.
Like E News, there's a round-up of weekly news and rumours on Top Gossip.
Be warned: the narration isn't quite Jackie Collins-esque. In fact, it's not sexy at all.
Another show, Up Close With, is a mix of MTV's popular showing-off programme Cribs, and E!'s True Hollywood Story.
As the channel has stated, TRACE Sports is a "gateway to the intimate life of the athletes".
I suppose we should expect a most salacious sex scandals countdown? Can't wait.
They might need to dig into tabloid archives for dirt because the sports star sex scandal season has slowed down a bit.
There's even a reality show, Soccer Dreams, in which teenage hopefuls compete to join the Everton Football Academy.
If the tantrums professional soccer players throw on the field are anything to go by, I imagine their teenage versions should be even more dramatic.
Footballers' Lives (clever title, no?) and Players' Lives explore the careers of big names like Lionel Messi, Beckham and Usain Bolt.
TRACE Sports isn't for everyone. The channel's target audience is men aged between 25 and 39. I somehow doubt they will be tuning in to such fluffy viewing.
It is for those who like popcorn for the mind and candy for the eyes. Tune in for useless stuff that's simply fun to know.
- TRACE Sports is on DSTV, Channel 129