On the Couch: 12 September 2011

When my boyfriend cheated, I sent a rude message to his prospective employer from his e-mail. The company withdrew their offer. Should I tell him?

SHRINK RAP

YOU have, as a protest to your boyfriend's cheating, betrayed and been dishonest with him.

At the same time you have no doubt pretended to have the moral high ground so you could punish him.

Since you both have shown your capability and willingness to cheat and backstab, you need to decide together if this is the culture you wish to create in your relationship.

To this end you need to own up to your behaviour, and discuss commitment and loyalty and how to bring those values into your relationship. - Leonard Carr

SUPERNANNY

The saying goes that "revenge is sweet", but I think the pleasure is short-lived and your action bears no direct connection to his deceitful act.

If you are trying to repair the relationship, honesty is the only way forward.

If after his cheating, the relationship is over, then honesty is still the best policy.

His action cost your trust in him. Your action cost him his job, which in turn cost him the possibility to earn an income and to be self-supporting.

If there is any desire to repair the relationship, you have now made him dependent on you - is that what you really want?

Playing vengeful games is not a good foundation on which to build a long-term commitment.

I think it is time to have a hard, honest look at yourself and ask what it is about you that would make a man want to be in a relationship with you.

What are you looking for in a relationship and how do you think you can do your part to create that possibility? - Stephanie Dawson-Cosser