How can I convince my husband that I cannot go without sex? Dr Eve gives some advice...

How can I convince my husband that I cannot go without sex? He takes antidepressants, which result in an inability for him to get erections. He refuses to take medication to correct this problem, saying its too humiliating for him. I masturbate regularly, but a loving husband would be so much better.

Firstly, you make it clear that you want to have sex – that’s fantastic! Research from a book entitled Why Women Want Sex (Henry Holt & Co.) reveals that women do indeed want sex, and the main reason they want it is for pure pleasure – not really that much different to why men say they want sex. The second most cited reason their sample gave for wanting sex was to get closer to their partners.

It is therefore understandable why you feel bereft and somewhat short-changed. Research consistently shows that women of all ages want sex. In fact, the older women get, the more desire they seem to have; that is if they are healthy, lead a healthy lifestyle, take no medication that interferes with their levels of desire, and have partners with whom they feel safe and are attracted to.

More women want more sex than they are currently having. However, they are put off from love-making if their partner has poor technique. As a responsible sexual woman, I understand why you are masturbating, which certainly takes the edge off – but your ultimate choice is your husband.

I am delighted that you are not choosing the arms of another man, as this would only serve to further complicate your life. I encourage you to keep your masturbation interesting and why not consider introducing sex toys into your solo sex play.

Now let’s consider what is going on with your husband. Why the resistance to taking medication? And, more importantly, why the resistance to any sex at all? This is unfortunately a common response from men – and many women buy into this belief system. The belief being that if there is no erection, then there is no sex, or sex not worth having.

My advice is to get your man to a health care provider (HCP) who is comfortable with sexual health. Call ahead and find a HCP who will see the both of you together and discuss this problem. Erectile dysfunction may well be a symptom of a serious vascular disease, diabetes, depression and heart disease. This may motivate him to set aside the shame and humiliation, and consider the problem in the serious medical light it deserves.

Why the silence?

Research shows that men who have erectile dysfunction are loathe to talk to their health care providers about it, feeling, as your husband says, shy, humiliated and believing that the health care provider will laugh them off or think less of them as men. Health care providers are also somewhat reluctant to discuss sexual health with their patients. They may feel embarrassed and insufficiently trained for treating men with this problem, which is why it’s important to find one with experience in this area.

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