Blue Season

If the silly season makes you want to reach for the brown bag, it's time for a change, writes Claire Keeton

Once upon a time families sang carols and shared presents around a twinkling Christmas tree, before sitting down to a feast. That's the fairy tale. But, in reality, it's almost as far fetched for many South Africans as a White Christmas in our summer or Santa Claus and his reindeer.

Take two: Relatives who don't always like each other gather under the same roof while the women of the house do their best to keep everyone happy. And even if you don't celebrate this religious occasion, New Year's Eve could be as stressful.

A night of union, song and expectations, it could leave you feeling like a frog waiting for a royal kiss.

Here is a brief survival guide for the holiday season to help avoid end-of-the- year blues.

• CHIMPS HAVE 95% OF THE SAME DNA AS HUMANS

It may improve your tolerance to think of your relatives as close to apes (including yourself of course).

But what's most likely to help is recognising your own limits and not trying to be the perfect host, parent, friend, etc.

"A lot of people want to be the perfect host but this is unrealistic. Why be the only one who cannot relax?" asks Cassey Chambers, the operations director for the SA Depression and Anxiety Group.

If your relatives and friends are coming to stay, share the extra domestic load. Delegate meals and chores so that you have time to enjoy their visit.

Johannesburg clinical psychologist Ian Lipman says: "Even Santa doesn't do it on his own. He has a team of elves and reindeer."

And have an escape route for those relatives or inlaws with whom you wish you didn't share a bloodline.

"Prepare beforehand and have a secret signal with your partner or friend for time out. If you get stuck in a corner, wiggle your nose or whatever you need to do to save you," Chamber recommends.

• MONEY MONEY:

Your child's happiness and self esteem depend on what's inside their Christmas stocking - the latest PlayStation, cellphone or jeans - right? No, wrong.

The unrealistic expectations of loved ones should not determine your Christmas shopping or you could be left with a gasping credit card once the festivities are over. Shoppers need to stay rational, despite the deluge of advertising during December and pressure to keep up with the Joneses.

"Parents should be open with their kids so that they don't have false expectations," says Chambers.

"Instead of buying something, you can also make something sentimental or do something together."

At the same time, Christmas is a good time to treat yourself, says Lipman.

"Reward yourself. It's okay to spoil yourself within reason," he says.

• RAISE YOUR GLASS:

Parties, end-of-the-year functions and festive meals are inevitable during the festive season - ask a team of enthusiastic Sunday Times journalists (not me) who once signed up to follow diets over December and failed spectacularly.

These events offer a chance to connect with people, but they can be an endurance test for those who are shy or overwhelmed by loud music and loud groups.

If they are not your scene but you need to be polite, show your face and have a drink, but don't feel you must stay to the end. Knowing you have an exit strategy reduces anxiety, says Chambers.

And excess comes at a price. Chambers adds: "Alcohol is a depressant. You feel happy at the time, but if you abuse it you'll feel a lot worse the morning after."

• ALL BY MYSELF:

The spectre of loneliness turned Scrooge from a miserly loner into a more generous person. But in the real world lovely people end up lonely over Christmas for a range of reasons.

And it's not only the ill and elderly who struggle with isolation; introverted or recently divorced people are among those who may find this season intensifies their isolation.

Lipman suggests: "Go to places where people are sharing the Christmas spirit and you can partake of this. Do not withdraw and sit at home."

Going out to listen to music, walking around a market or attending a religious service (if you are a believer) are options.

More demanding but also rewarding are altruistic gestures such as visiting orphans, hospital patients, pensioners in homes for the aged or abandoned animals.

If you are feeling sad and struggling to sleep, don't ignore these symptoms but find support, particularly if your family doesn't understand.

• I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER THAN THIS:

During the holiday, do things that allow you to relax and that you normally don't have time to do.

Lipman says: "Get a script from Santa to be selfish."

You have a choice: you do not have to conform to everyone else's expectations.

He explains: "Human beings are like machines. If you don't give yourself time to switch off and recharge your batteries, you will burn out. And your burnout will get progressively worse with time."

However many visitors descend on your household, make space for yourself and prioritise your close relationships.

Chambers also suggests a change of environment and rhythm, an escape from the normal routine.

"Get fresh air, be active. Exercise releases the happy hormone, serotonin, and this reduces stress."

• TEARS IN HEAVEN:

If you have recently lost or been separated from a loved one or experienced grief during the holiday season, this time of the year is sad and you must feel free to mourn.

Unless you have the time and space to feel your loss, it will repeat itself in years to come, and well-meaning relatives must not force you to join in Christmas cheer you cannot share.

Lipman says: "The most important message is to go through it. It is healing even when it is painful. It is okay to be down, it is the healthiest thing you can do. If you pretend to be okay, your feelings will be repeated next year."

One way to cope with the absence of loved ones is to start a new tradition in their memory, says Chambers.

"Plant a flower or make a CD of their favourite music," she says, observing that visiting a grave is not the only way to remember someone special.

And family members and friends need to be sensitive to the bereaved, understanding their sorrow and giving them support when they want it.

Tips from the SA Depression & Anxiety Group

1. Lean on your support system. If you've been depressed, you need a network of close friends and family to turn to when things get tough. Take time to get together with your support team.

2. Ask for help and be specific. Ask your sister to help you cook, invite a friend along on shopping trips. People are usually happy to help if you tell them what you need.

3. Stick to a budget. The cost of holiday shopping mounts quickly and can make people feel out of control and anxious. Draw up a budget before you start shopping and stick to it.

• SADAG has counsellors on duty seven days a week from 8am to 8pm - Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year included. A call to 0112626396 or their toll-free suicide line 0800212223 offers a friendly, compassionate ear, support and advice during this time of year.