'Tis the season to get stuffed

Christmas, my apologies, I meant to say The Festive Season, can be a bit of a minefield.

We're not just dealing with Father Christmas and the Baby Jesus here, there are other religions and celebrations to consider too. Like Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ashura, Agnostica, and a host of others. What this means is that no matter what your faith, December is a big month involving many family get-togethers and traditions.

One of these traditions includes absolutely loving spending all that time together as a family. For the first five minutes. Then wanting to slash your wrists for the rest of it.

My family is Jewish, so we don't celebrate Christmas in the traditional sense, but we still spend the time together. We also give each of the children a stocking filled with presents, that we say came from someone called "Santa-Hanukkah", who, if you've been good (and, let's be honest, even if you haven't) comes across the lagoon on a Jet Ski at night and delivers the stockings to the house where we spend Christmas. (Yes, I know, we're going straight to hell for that one.)

But even though this is a time for giving, I don't want to talk about the gifts today, I want to talk about the food. Like I said, I'm Jewish.

Although I've never actually experienced it myself, I've watched enough TV to know that on Christmas many people eat giant turkeys with stuffing and cranberry sauce and something called yams, and lots of brandy with a bit of Christmas cake in it.

But last Christmas I learnt about something I'd never seen before, and it quite literally blew my mind. It's called a "turducken". Basically it's a giant turkey that's been stuffed with a duck, which is then stuffed with a chicken. Hence the name Tur-duck-en. It's like one of those babushka dolls, only made out of poultry.

What I want to know is who sat up in bed one morning and said: "I know, I think today I'll take a giant turkey, then I'll shove a whole duck inside it, and then I'll shove an entire chicken inside that, and then I'll stick the whole darn thing in the oven for a couple of hours while I play solitaire on the computer and smoke some crack."

Either that, or I like to imagine that maybe it was some overworked mom who invented the turducken. I imagine that she found herself at the end of her tether after a particularly long and stressful year of being a mom. She was overwhelmed with the decision of what to cook on Christmas - with a husband who likes turkey, a mom-in-law who likes duck and a son who likes chicken. And so, on one of the 12 days of Christmas, after a couple of glasses of Christmas cheer, she cracked and decided to stuff it all, quite literally, and make all three. It definitely wouldn't be the first idea born of sheer frustration mixed with wine.

Another thought that strikes me is that if a human stuffs himself on turducken, then it's actually a human, stuffed with a turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken. And if that's the case then perhaps it should be called "Humturducken" instead?

Either way, merry ChristmasKwanzaaHanukkahAshuraAgnostica, everybody. May it be joyful and lovely, and may you not murder any family members with a blunt spoon before it's over. And whatever you choose to eat, enjoy.