#HowToSurviveJoburg in 23 gifs

Johannesburg is a city of wonder, opportunity and dodgy chicken. We offer you these 23 helpful hints to help survive the big bad city.

1. If you go to Braamfontein, don't have KFC.

2. Do not load more than 4 people in your car in peak hour traffic, in case you start a taxi route war.

3. Mean mug the window cleaners at traffic lights. In fact, roll down your window and start screaming: "No!" as soon as they start walking in your general direction.

4. Always carry a halfjack to get out of speeding fines.

5. Learn self-defence.

6. Avoid Neighbourgoods on a Saturday morning - you will get trampled.

7. Don't go to Eastgate Mall, or any major mall because it'll take you 30 minutes to find parking and another 90 to find your car.

8. Any public place on payday is a warzone. So just stay indoors.

9. Get a humidifier cos it's dry up in here.

10. Don't go base jumping at Ponte.

11. Learn how to parallel park.

12. Don't go jogging in the CBD, or any place where you might encounter cars.

13. Drive like a taxi, or take one.

14. Check your Woolies salad for amphibians.

15. If she wears leopard print and she's old enough to be your mother, run.

16. If he wears Uzzi, run.

17. Don't leave home on Saturday mornings - there will either be cycling or running in your way.

18. If you are in Hillbrow on New Year's Eve, watch out for falling fridges (and furniture and other appliances).

19. Do not leave the office during loadshedding rush hour. You will need intensive therapy afterwards.

20. Do not take pity on strange men who claim to have run out of petrol for their motorbikes on off-ramps.

21. Do not gawk at the "celebrities" (also known as people who've been on TV at least twice), you will be seen as a stalker.

22. Leave your phone and all your belongings in your car when pulling an all nighter. Hope your car is still there when you get back.

23. If you don't know what Slyza Tsotsi is, you're not meant to be on the dance floor. In fact, just stay in your house.

This article originally appeared on Daily Planet.