I have just found out that Selfridges - a department store in London - has introduced a range of pantihose specially designed for men. Really, I cringe at the thought of it.
And, though you might think it, this disgraceful concept is not some unworkable proposal by a moustachioed designer named Russell, no, Selfridges says male demand for pantihose has been "soaring" for the past five years.
Exactly which men have been walking into stores and demanding tights? The only ones I can acceptably think of are bank robbers and Mikhail Baryshnikov.
Of course, the tights have been given a stupid name too. So, together with annoyances like manbags and guyliner, we now have "mantihose". There's also a website, www.emancipate.com (rhymes with emasculate?), where those entering the mantihose fray can go for fashion tips. One section, entitled 'Born to wear ... but no idea how to put them on?', shows three step-by-step photographs of a beefy boy daintily slipping into his beige leggings. "We are the real men in tights," the site continues "maybe it's time to face it."
As I clicked further, I became increasingly uneasy. It was like surfing some obscene fetish site where the devoted participants sweatily get off on role reversal, public humiliation and the sensuous feel of sheer against skin. And because the site seems German, this isn't unlikely.
One section displays an image of an undeservedly conceited young man dressed in a suit with short pants and tights, posing on a street corner while two attractive girls and another male (also in tights) look on in horny awe.
There was a time when tights for men were in, but that was about 450 years ago during the reign of Henry VIII. This was an era when men wore wigs and spent all their time playing harpsichords, looking forlornly out of horse-drawn carriages and catching smallpox, so why would we want to relive it?
Another thing is that tights would get in the way of a man's late-night television toenail picking and look utterly ridiculous if they housed an erection. In fact, they are completely impractical for our genitalia even if there is no arousal. After a day's wearing, everything will scrunch up and come out looking like PW Botha.
My only hope is that no South African man will consider wearing tights. The thing is, I'm sure there is at least one person reading this who thinks wearing tights will be edgy and cool. Probably a graphic artist named Guy. And once he does it, the rest of his cadres will follow. Someone please stop him.
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