SHOCKER: TC Boyle, easy to read but not so easy on the eye

An anthropologist tells a story of visiting a remote village where a new headmaster had just been installed at the local school. "What do you think of the new principal?" he asked a local elder. "I don't know yet; I haven't seen him dance," came the reply. Not having seen the man in the fullness of his parts, he was not able to judge him.

I'm like that with books. To fully respond to a book, I need to know about the author and see a photo. I will accept anonymity from Thomas Pynchon, Lemony Snickett and JD Salinger, whose schtick it is to be mysterious, but for the rest of you - write your bio and get your photo taken.

My requirements are stringent. About the author, I need to know:

• Where he or she lives (so I can have a fit of jealousy when it turns out to be "overlooking Central Park", or "on an organic raspberry farm in Italy");

• Marriage and kids. Is the partner a celebrated cellist, or the chief of the Edinburgh police? Do they have five children? Basic nosey-parker stuff;

• Interesting previous incarnations: grave digger, neurosurgeon, crime-scene cleaner, eyelash dyer and other interests. I adore Alexander McCall Smith, not for his books so much as for the fact that he founded The Really Terrible Orchestra;

• Age. Already half of the new authors are younger than me. There's usually some wunderkind of 24 years old who has just won the Booker, but occasionally someone will publish a first novel at 60 and give us all hope;

• I so don't want to hear about dogs and cats. The words "with her three spaniels, Fluff, Gogo and Delilah ..." quite put me off the writer, as I imagine her boring her dinner companions to tears;

• Something personal: a little joke or observation or intimate detail or anecdote; and

• A picture. Yes, a picture is essential. John Irving is a wonderful author, but I only realised with the release of his latest book what a fine and distinguished-looking fellow he is, a cross between George Clooney and Omar Sharif. Good hair, that's what I like in a writer.

As you can imagine then, TC Boyle, with his crizzy orange hair and beard and terrifying stare, was a bit of a shock. Boyle wrote one of my favourite books ever, Water Music. For years, while proselytising on Boyle's behalf and pressing his book on friends and strangers, I'd failed to Google images of the man and made the elementary error of confusing author and protagonist. Thus, I imagined Boyle striding across undiscovered lands in breeches, drinking rather too much gin. Indeed, I'd been somewhat in love with him for ages.

Then there's Malcolm Gladwell, an author whose look - skinny, huge eyes, crazy afro - is perfectly suited to his material. Rian Malan, with his angular cheekbones, poetic lips and faintly tortured expression ... We want our authors and the pose to fit the prose.

If I like a book and the author's bio or pic is absent or insufficiently enlightening, I Google them. Some call it stalking, but I prefer to think of it as research. Do you have any idea how good Jodi Picoult's life is? How beautiful her New Hampshire house is, the one she shares with her gorgeous husband and children, thanks to proceeds of the 15 best-selling novels she's written? I do, because I Googled her.

Sometimes I am moved to keep up with an author of a particularly engaging non-fiction story, for instance Three Cups of Tea (the story of a young Canadian who builds schools in far-flung parts of Pakistan), or What is the What (an extraordinary book about one of the Lost Boys of Sudan, whose protagonist I like to check up on regularly). Occasionally I am tempted to write to the author and thank him.

In quiet moments, I consider my own author's bio for the book I have yet to write. Sadly, I do not have a New York apartment or an organic raspberry farm. I'm too old - by quite some margin - to be admired as a youthful genius. I do have some lovely children and a husband who plays a mean saxophone. I have pets, about whom I will not tell my readers.

My tone will be warm and witty, but insightful. There will be a photograph of myself looking clever yet pretty, impressive yet approachable, and just a tad younger than I really am. And there will be a delightful surprise.

I take as my inspiration Stephen Fry's bio from The Ode Less Travelled: Unlocking the Poet Within: "As an actor and writer Stephen Fry has bestridden the world for a quarter of a century, sowing discord, agitation and dismay. His power grows daily and his disciples are many. However, it is written that at the Time of Leavening, a Chosen One will arise to destroy him. Until that time, Mr Fry will continue to direct, broadcast, act and write in North London and Norfolk, where his best friends are the flowers."

Every time I see that word - bestridden - I let out a small yelp of delight. That's what an author's bio should give the reader. 0