SHRINKRAP SAYS: It sounds like you are waiting for life to come to you. You need to take ownership of your aspirations and needs. Ask yourself whether you are unhappy because of your circumstances, or are your circumstances the result of your unhappiness.

Having given up your job and studies, you have disinvested from life. Your husband is living in his own world. That sounds like he too has disinvested. The fact that he watches pornography and shows no interest in you implies that he is either provoking you or he has lost respect for you.

If you had a job or studies, you would have alternative sources of encouragement or feedback.

Now your marriage, which should give you support, affirmation and reassurance is your only major source of feedback. Spouses mirror each other. How the person who knows you most intimately treats you is a constant reflection of your desirability and worth.

If your marriage continues like this it will wear down your spirit and self-esteem. You will not have the confidence or self-regard to claim back your life. Your marriage is giving you the constant message that you are undesirable and worthless.

You need to acknowledge that none of this would be happening without your participation. Realise that only by you changing the way you relate to your circumstances can you change them.

To start fixing your marriage, you need to ask if the relationship has changed or was it in fact always like this. If it has changed, then by analysing what worked when it was good and comparing it to now you will see what has gone wrong.

If it has just deteriorated, but not changed fundamentally, then you need to question whether you are in the right relationship. The right relationship is one that makes you feel loved, desired and above all, respected.

Ask your husband how he is experiencing the relationship and what would need to change for it to work for him. Then to reclaim your power, and to feel capable and independent, find work or study.

In a nutshell, decide on the life you would prefer and then set about creating it.

SUPERNANNY SAYS:

You have started the path to re-empowering yourself by sending in this question.

You do not say if your marriage was arranged or by choice, but clearly you feel your very existence is negated in this relationship. While you seemingly gave up a lot to enter this marriage and enter the role of dependence, it would appear that you were not always of this mind set.

If your own family will not support you in re-gaining your independence and sense of fulfilment, then find a friend who will. Is there a law that prevents you from taking up gainful employment and or returning to your studies? It seems you are looking for an ally, to give you the courage to step up and be heard.

Your husband's opting to view pornography seems to have shocked you. It would seem this is an interest you were not aware of prior to marriage. You could choose to spice up your sex life and entice him away from the porn, or continue to be insulted.

Alternatively you could give him an ultimatum: "porn or me". Whichever one you choose, you are giving away your power to him.

Rather ask: Is this the life I want for myself? If not, find that friend, get legal advice and start taking back control of your life.

If you think the marriage is salvageable, then contact Family Life Centre 011-788-4784 and both of you can meet with a counsellor.