Do I run, or stay?

After our wedding, I saw a side of my wife I don't like. She drinks a lot and gossips, and shows no remorse. How should I handle this?

THERE could be a variety of reasons why your wife shows no remorse.

She may be embarrassed and find it too humiliating to own up to what she does. She may not have insight into the fact that what she does could be problematic and even alienating and off-putting to you. Alternatively, she may feel fully justified in her behaviour. She may also believe that she is entitled to do whatever she chooses and that your judgment, criticism or commentary is unwelcome.

Each of these possibilities has very real but different consequences on how you deal with the current situation and the future of your relationship. This issue crisscrosses many aspects of your relationship. The one is shared values and the type of family and home you would like to build. Another is your respect for each other and the concern each of you has about how your spouse perceives you and the consequences for your relationship.

Your wife's actions have been a betrayal to you in that you suddenly find yourself with a person who has a side that is distasteful to you. It has also caused a breakdown of trust and respect in the relationship. Your first option would be to accept the embarrassment and trust that she will understand your unhappiness. If you believe you have a difference in values and expectations of the relationship, then you need to confront the issue.

You must have a discussion about values and what you hold dear. If you find your differences to be irreconcilable, you must seek couples' therapy. - Leonard Carr

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