Dust up in Dubai

With its sleek new looks and excellent performance, the new Cayenne is finally worthy of the Porsche badge

Flip through its annals and you'll discover Porsche is a company that prides itself on understated elegance. Unlike rival manufacturers such as Lamborghini or Ferrari, Stuttgart's most famous institution has always steered away from the kind of design detailing that makes drug dealers and strip-club owners all hot under the collar.

Indeed, from their beautiful 550 Spyder of the '50s to the timeless 911 that set the everyday sports car benchmark when it debuted in 1963, there's not a Porsche model out there that doesn't quietly move your senses with a striking yet unforced beauty.

Well, almost. Try as you might to forget it, the Cayenne 4x4 has to many been a blight on the face of this firm's otherwise esteemed legacy. And understandably so because in almost perverse contrast to any of its stable mates, this hulking monolith of metal is about as subtle as a KFC stand at a vegan produce market.

Even worse, those thuggish styling cues have been responsible for bringing scores of megalomaniacs flooding into Porsche's once restrained brand pool. Just look at how many professional football players have one lurking in their garage, if you don't believe me.

Personally, it was a car that never gelled with me. Its over-square, utilitarian looks made it appear like a poorly disguised Audi Q7.

I was filled with trepidation as I arrived in a sweltering Dubai to say hello to the all-new Porsche Cayenne; a successor to that dubious original which, going on what its sales brochure would have me believe, was "guaranteed to surprise". Surely they meant "offend"?

Whatever. Time would soon tell and after a surreal 90-minute shuttle to the luxurious Bab Al Shams desert resort - passing the 828m Burj Khalifa tower and a pack of nomadic camels on route - I resist the temptation of hitting the pool and instead pour over the Porsche I've always loved to hate.

And in a weird and twisted turn of events, I find myself enjoying what my eyeballs begin telegraphing back to my brain. Unlike its predecessor, the next-generation Cayenne is genuinely good looking. Think of it as that aggressive youth in his chav day-glow tracksuit getting a haircut and trading up to bespoke pinstripes.

No longer do you have to screw up your face in horror because, despite being taller and longer, this high-powered monument to living la dolce vita has been sculpted with a considered crispness that makes it come across as a slightly beefier Carrera GT cum Panamera in a pair of hiking boots. And that, no matter which way you slice it, is a jolly good thing.

But scoring a big fat tick in the looks department is only part of the picture that needs repainting. Although you can now comfortably sit inside a Cayenne without worrying about scoring a perfect 10 on the douche-o-meter, it still needs to feel, drive and inspire like a regular Porsche when you strap into that driver's seat and point that sharkish nose down the asphalt.

A land crossed with the sort of roads on which you're lucky to pass another vehicle once every 45 minutes, the black veins of rural Dubai offer up the perfect opportunity to see if this beast performs as well as its pukka looks suggest. Unfortunately, I'm quick to discover, unleashing all the planet-twisting power of the Turbo model I've commandeered is next to impossible as the country with the biggest traffic deficit in the world has erected a speed camera for every one kilometre of deserted Tarmac.

Ironic, if not a little sadistic, the ensuing 200km outride reveals that the new Cayenne is quiet, comfortable and, when the threat of being locked up inside an Arab jail cell escapes your mind, endowed with the kind of oomph that makes you choke on your own spit.

However, after pulling into a windswept petrol station situated next to the quizzically named 2002 Cafeteria - the two owners of which eyeball me with suspicion - I'm left wanting more. After all, rolling through a few unpronounceable villages of the UAE does not a luxury SUV prove.

Intent on living out my own Lawrence of Arabia adventure, I want to unleash this bad boy across the baking desert sands. And that, I'm pleased to hear, is exactly where our multi-million Cayenne caravan is heading next.

An inhospitable place where the Porsche's GPS screen pulls a blank and the temperature gauge quickly rises to 70°C, a lizard sits on a rock and watches as I steer my Cayenne S up a particularly gnarly dune. A giant wave of sand formed by the very winds responsible for shaping this colour-depleted wasteland, the start of the ascent feels like the automotive equivalent of surfing.

Although you have a certain degree of control, the billions of fine stone granules beneath you pull and tug at your wheels with the randomness of a shifting tide. Nevertheless, despite riding atop gangster-sized wheels wrapped in some of the lowest- profile rubber I've ever seen fitted to an SUV, my two-tonne monster digs in with reassuring bite and reaches its crest with jaw-dropping ease. But then, coming equipped with an active all-wheel drive system, adjustable ride-height and special Tiptronic S transmission fitted with an extra low ratio first gear, it's no surprise that this Porsche Cayenne is so capable off the beaten track.

The best feature, however, lies in the hill descent system I'm told will kick in as soon as I pluck up the courage to plunge off the dune's summit. This is easier said than done because I can only see a pale Arabian sky through the windscreen, and there's just no telling how severe the 20-odd metre drop really is. After inch worming my way forward, it turns out to be frighteningly steep; akin to falling off the edge of the Earth if it was actually flat.

Tipping like a fat man on a see-saw, the burly Porsche nose-dives violently towards the valley below but - almost by magic considering both my feet are off the pedals - an invisible force intervenes and I glide down as if my tail is attached to an unseen winch. It's a beautiful thing to experience but considering the demographic the Cayenne attracts, I suspect very few owners will indulge in the thrill.

This fact bears little consequence as, soldiering on in the sepia afternoon light, I'm left satisfied that the new Cayenne finally does the Porsche badge justice.

Yes, it may have four doors and, yes, it will probably still inhabit the VIP parking spots of football stadiums around the world but with its sleek new looks and excellent all-round performance, I believe the legions of haters (myself included) will find their past anguish morph into acceptance.

• The new Porsche Cayenne range will be available in South Africa from the end of July.

Fast Facts: The Basics:

Price: (S) R775000 (Turbo) R1430000

Engine: (S) 4806cc V8 (Turbo) 4806cc V8 bi-turbo

Performance: (S) 0-100km/h in 5.9 seconds, 258km/h (Turbo) 4.7 seconds, 278km/h

Power: (S) 294kW at 6500rpm, 500Nm at 3500rpm (Turbo) 368kW at 6000rpm, 700Nm from 2250 - 4500rpm

Thirst: (S) 10.5l/100km (Turbo) 11.5l/100km

The Best:

Finally looks like a proper Porsche

Luxurious inside

Dynamic for what it is

Proper off-road capability

The Worst:

Switchgear ergonomics a little fussy

Frustrating media interface

Turbo still loves to drink

Expensive to buy and run