Nail those 'artists'

03 October 2012 - 21:33 By Vuyi Jabavu
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Well-manicured feet can save face. Don't end up with ugly feet, like on the insert
Well-manicured feet can save face. Don't end up with ugly feet, like on the insert

It's finally here - that time of the year we've all been looking forward to, when we can pack away our winter woollies and embrace the warm sunshine of summer.

The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing and metro police photographers have plenty of shrubbery to hid their radar guns behind.

Nothing says winter is over, quite like more women wearing smaller clothes and strappy, open-toed sandals or shoes.

But alas, summer also gives us a glimpse of horrific unkempt feet, with unsightly thick, yellow and hardened nails and odd shaped toes.

If these sound like your toes, don't look down. Just stay calm and acknowledge that, in the event of an accident, paramedics might find a new and ingenious way to operate the jaws of life without seeing your feet.

Then swear that, after today, you will treat your footsies like vampires never again to see the light of day, except in the presence of a certified Toenail Buster. The thing is though, that no matter how expensive, clean or shiny your car might be, there comes that awkward moment when you have to get out of it, and criminally, give the world a 360-degree view of your feet.

While you might be a model motorist - abiding by the road rules and all that - if the sight of your feet causes engines to splutter and die, tyres to burst even without the help of potholes, and windscreen wipers to flap furiously, your squeaky clean driving record kind of goes out the window.

I'm just saying!

So let's have a moment of silence for all post-winter toes, unfortunate enough to be attached to male feet.

Lotion is your friend, guys. Repeat after me: Lotion Is My Friend!

For some reason, men seem to love flip flops and sandals and an almost primal fear of moisturising their feet.

Personally, I think men are amazing, particularly with their hands. They've built spaceships and can deftly assist a lady out of her clothes, yet they are yet to master the art of unabashedly smothering their feet with moisturiser.

News flash gentlemen ... there is more to that area just south of your belly button and it, too, needs love.

While on flip-flops.... it's not a good idea to drive in them, or, for that matter, sandals or ultra-high heels.

It's too easy to get them stuck in the floor mat or carpet, or still worse, under the pedals, with often chaotic results.

Sadly, dry and cracked feet are generally embellished with lengthy, fierce talons, that some mistakenly refer to as toenails. Am I the only one who fears scratches, rips and other costly damage to a car's leather/leatherette interior? - to say nothing of the painted metal skirting at the base of the door of your car.

If you have noticed thin, squiggly lines in a colour which is starkly opposite to the rest of the car, i.e., white; there is no need to panic.

No one has maliciously taken a screwdriver to your car; it's the artistic handiwork (footwork?) of your hopelessly overgrown curled toenails each time you get into and out of your car.

I must also add that feet are to be seen and not smelt, so for those motorists who unwittingly asphyxiate their passengers, the environment and other road users within a 3km radius by letting loose their callouses, bunions and shrivelled-up-pinkies, I have but one word for you - don't; particularly if you are in a taxi - in which case I believe the term most appropriate to describe the ensuing action is mob justice.

I often used to wonder though, if the holes in the floorboards of taxis were not made by someone's toenail?

It is not difficult to see how that could happen, I mean you need only remember how hard you stomped on the imaginary brake pedal the last time you were chauffeured by a rather boisterous driver!

As excited as I am about the summer season, it is also with great trepidation that I steel myself for the foot-fest it brings.

In the interest of national safety, I urge all citizens to take a good, long hard look at their feet and solemnly ask themselves if theirs are indeed "public friendly".

Don't be ashamed if they are not, because as the late great Michael Jackson crooned, you are not alone - and there is more immediate help for such calamities than an axe, and painkillers.

The fastest, cheapest remedy I can think of is for those who are suffering, to keep their most gnarly appendages under wraps - fully covered.

They should think of it in the same way as comprehensive vehicle insurance.

You should be covering everything - even that in-growing toenail that is about to appear - although you don't know it yet.

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