Take it from me; you don't need a supercar crouching in your garage to have a riot out on the road. Some of the best and most entertaining drives I've ever had have been behind the steering wheels of feisty little hatchbacks. Like that full-of-beans terrier that tries to hump your leg while you're watching TV, these critters are injected with an infectious tenacity that turns even the dreariest trawl down to the shops into a scene from your own, personal Italian Job.
Familiar with the breed, Renault and Toyota have armed us with some tasty hatchlings in the past and their latest offerings are just as juicy.
First up, fighting for France, is the new Twingo RS. Sounding as gruff as a Gauloises-puffing Parisian thanks to that sports exhaust, it's battling against Japan's subtler but equally powerful Yaris TS. Both are reasonably affordable and both are capable of stretching a smile across your face but, of course, there can only be one winner in this tyre-smoking grudge match.
To see who'll grab the crown, we've decided to pit each of them in a series of challenges that will stretch their mettle to breaking point. So, don your driving gloves and let the battle begin ...
CHALLENGE 1: The Face-off
When it comes to choosing a ride, looks weigh in as one of the most crucial criteria. Because, after all, what you drive is just as important as the clothes on your back - get it wrong and you'll be on peoples' lips for the wrong reasons. Luckily both hatches are easy on the eye, so whether you plumb for the funky Twingo or more grown-up Yaris, you're pretty much in the clear.
But as these machines are targeted at young men hell-bent on impressing the fairer sex, we decided to judge their aesthetics by seeing which would most impress a model. Squeezing us into her hectic schedule and wearing an insanely short skirt, Lalla Hirayama, FHM's Miss September 2009, walks between the cars like a predator sizing up prey. Having spent a fair amount of her youth hanging in the streets of Tokyo, she knows what sheet metal earns a lady's attention.
"I'll be brutally honest," Hirayama chirps: "The Renault looks and feels like a bit of a toy. If you want to look cool then go for the Toyota; it's understated and more stylish."
Pondering this as Hirayama hugs me goodbye and slinks off to her next appointment, I'm somewhat shocked because - what with its aero-kit and racing decals - I thought she'd pick the RS.
What's that saying about less being more? Sorry, Twingo, you lose.
CHALLENGE 2: The Duel
Looking good and landing ladies is one thing but when it comes to the ultimate crunch you've got to have the pace to match the face.
Blistering acceleration is what it's all about and to see which of our two best walks the performance talk we've lined them up at The Rock Raceway's new 1/8-mile drag strip for a one-on-one.
Tyres hot, engines snarling, the flag drops and both cars shred it off the line like a pair of midget gladiators. I'm in the Twingo RS and, after snatching third, notice that the Yaris TS is almost a full car's length behind me at the 100m mark; a diminishing blob in my side mirror. Swishing past the finish line, the Toyota has dropped even further behind; any smugness from the first challenge shredded. We try it a few more times. I even switch driving seats, but still the Yaris can't match the furious lick of the Twingo. France is back in the game.
CHALLENGE 3: The Sound Barrier
While some guys dig the thrill of straight-line speed, there are others who prefer the sonics of a quality sound system. As range-toppers, the Toyota and the Renault kick out some pretty decent vibrations and both sport MP3 CD players with special ports for your iPod.
But which car's system will win you the most respect in the Friday night drive-thru queue? To our ears it was hard to tell, so we drove to a panel of experts for a proper analysis. After performing a Sound Pressure Level test, we were left in no doubt over which hatch rules the sound waves. Clocking 108.7dB on the meter saw the Yaris TS steal the show; the Twingo RS only managing to crack 104.2dB. Gives a whole new meaning to the word beaten.
CHALLENGE 4: The Space Race
It's Saturday afternoon and one of your mates has called to say that they're bringing an extra 20 people to your party. With booze reserves critical, the only thing to do is get to the bottle store and load up.
Kitted out with clever folding-sliding rear seats, we found that both contenders have boots that are surprisingly adept for such a task. But when it comes to loading the most lager, France again loses out to Japan: the Toyota managing to pack 11 cases to the Renault's 10.
However, due to the fiddly nature of the Yaris's parcel shelf, we declare a tie.
CHALLENGE 5: The Gymkhana
Click onto YouTube, type in gymkhana, and you'll find a zillion clips of a rally driver named Ken Block thrashing his Subaru around an obstacle course. These pixilated videos inspired us to get similarly crazy with our two hatches.
So, returning to The Rock, we devised our own 700m-gymkhana that would wrangle out the most dynamic of the duo. Mixing up a straight, some curves and half a drift track, the Yaris TS was the first out of the blocks and screeched over the finish line in a mere 40.11 seconds, leaving us truly impressed.
That is, until we switched over to the Renault. Lighter, lower and riding on firmer suspension, the Twingo RS not only proved to be more of a gas to drive, but it scalped the Yaris TS by nearly two seconds. I think that the Renault might even give the MINI a run for its money. Mr Block would approve.
With the challenges complete, we're still left hanging as to which hot hatch should bag the glory. This is simply because each excels at a distinct set of disciplines that makes them appeal to very different drivers.
As everyday transport, the Yaris TS easily wins it, mixing restrained styling into a comfortable, sporty package. The toy-like Twingo RS, with its firm ride and raucous engine, will soon test your patience in anything but bouts of hard, fast driving. But being cheaper, and better in terms of entertainment, this would be the car I'd prefer to park in my garage every evening.
So, load up with aspirin, bin the silly decals and get yourself a Renault Twingo RS. It really is the feel-good hatch of the summer.
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