Can reviews be reduced to Twitter-length smartphone reports? And do we need them?

THE news that Saudi King Abdullah offered $150-billion to buy Facebook to end the social-media-driven revolt in the Middle East sent the Twittersphere into a twitter at the end of February. It turned out to be a Facebook fantasy, but the price was probably not too far from the valuation a merchant bankster would place on the social-networking site.

But if Facebook is worth more than Fiji, what price for Real Time Wine (RTW), a tri-platform (blog, Twitter and Facebook) site with 3000 "uniques" (distinct visitors) in its first month? $150000? $15-million?

An attempt to "monetise a hobby" for social-networking guru Andy Hadfield, RTW caused something of a storm in the local spittoon for mocking the meaningless and pretentious waffle that passes for descriptions in South African wine guides.

"Have a look at this," said the prematurely grey 30-year-old, with a disarming chuckle, brandishing a smartphone.

"I'm choosing a wine at random from a wine app. "Alan Paton." A whole load of blah-blah about Alan Paton the writer, then three black stars, one half-tone star and one grey star. What does it mean?" The descriptions were even worse. At least the word "gush" did not feature, which Hadfield damns as "very gynaecological".

While knocking back pho bo soup at Saigon Pho in Milpark, a review of the Klein Zalze 2010 chenin blanc popped through the ether from Backsberg marketing manager Harry Haddon, one of a team of irreverent RTW reviewers: "2010 Kleine Zalze chenin (unwooded). Tastes the stairs; you know, apples and pears. Go on luv, 'ave a chenin, it's a bargain. 6/10."

"I don't understand that," said Hadfield with a laugh.

Quite a wordy review when you consider Hadfield's first, of a Landskroon shiraz 2007: "Kak" - and this before New York Times wine guru Eric Asimov argued for the simplification of winespeak, proposing a two-word Manichean system based on "sweet" and "savory" - a duality which has abbreviated appeal, although I'd argue that "kif" and "kak" are better poles in the local context.

I'd brought along a bottle of Château Duhart-Milon 1990 to see if Hadfield could boil that down to a 140-character tweet.

His review: "1990 Chateau Duhart-Milon. From Pauillac. Musty damp cellar smell, quite alcoholic. Sweet and light taste. Not quite getting it. 6/10"

Challenged to a tweeting duel like the model underwear strut-off in Zoolander, my prehistoric red Nokia was not up to tweeting, so I wrote my opinion down on paper: "1990 Chateau Duhart-Milon. Barnyard nose, rustic leather and savoury spice. Too old, as the Libyan crowd said to Moammar. 3/10."

"That's fine" said Hadfield, "just the word 'rustic'. The rest makes perfect sense."

But is there really a market for smartphone wine apps?

Yes, certainly in the world's largest wine market, the United States, of which Google chairman Eric Schmidt said: "Some 78% of smartphone owners use their phones while they shop. This is the future and everyone will adapt. People are fundamentally better off with a better and smarter and more empowered, if you will, customer."

Read Pendock Uncorked at http://blogs.thetimes.co.za/pendock