Prolific art inspired by our Nkandla bungler

Andrew Donaldson: The president has suggested that the media is making money by printing stories about his newest daughter, an issue, so to speak, that was private and would allegedly be settled in accordance with the customs and traditional practices of the Zuma, South Africa's fastest-growing tribal grouping.

Guilty as charged, I'm afraid.

For this is exactly how the media, especially print journalists, make their money - by printing stories in their newspapers, thereby filling the spaces between the large display advertisements, which are the large colourful things featuring pictures of shiny objects and smiling people with lots of teeth.

These, of course, bring in a lot more money than stories about Love Pants's misbehaviour - or any other story for that matter - very little, of course, which finds its way into the pockets of journalists. (Shame, but many us don't even have pockets, just large holes in our clothing where the pockets should have been, and we are reduced to carrying our stuff around in old plastic bags.)

It is for this very reason that I have therefore followed the lead of the ruling party, particularly its entrepreneurial youth league, and will shortly be selling my own range of fashionably funky and ludicrously affordable T-shirts on line.

So far, just two designs have been approved for the Nkandla Bungla range.

One features, beneath the legend "Love Child 21", a rather chubby cherub brandishing a cowhide shield and a knobkerrie. The sunglasses, I feel, are a nice touch, as is the gold wristwatch, which, the artist tells me, is a Breitling.

The other, I'm afraid, needs a little work. It features a large, bare-breasted woman in a suspender belt and fishnet stockings. She is straddling an oversized AK-47, rather like a rodeo rider would a bucking bronco. The logo states: "Property of Love Pants: locked & loaded."

All of which seemed a sure-fire winner when we came up with the concept over a few large ones at the Mahogany Ridge, but we've had to send it back to the artist to be redone.

Although at first we couldn't work out who it was exactly, the woman's face, we realised, looked a bit familiar. Then the penny dropped - it was Clarence Keyter, the SABC TV guy who anchored the live broadcast of Nelson Mandela's release.

Keyter, older readers will recall, had an embarrassingly tough time of it that Sunday afternoon all those years ago.

Mandela was supposed to have been released at 3pm, but only emerged at 4.14pm. The story goes that Winnie was late because she'd stopped off somewhere on the way to the prison to have her hair done.

So while nothing happened out there in the Boland for more than an hour, the hapless Keyter was left high and dry without a script or support from his producers, entertaining millions of viewers with his inane off-the-cuff waffle about impatient people waiting patiently "outside the most beautiful prison in the world".

Shame, it can't be easy for Keyter, what with all the reminiscences now of that golden moment 20 years ago. I suppose he's avoiding the newspapers this weekend lest the awful nightmares return. Imagine how he'd feel if his face was to now crop up on a T-shirt. He'd no doubt sue for millions - which, alas, I don't have.

And returning to the further affairs of Love Pants, here at the Ridge we were amazed at the speed with which the niece of human settlements minister Tokyo Sexwale apologised to the president and his family after posting comments on Facebook critical of his goatish behaviour.

On Tuesday, Kananelo Sexwale wrote: "Why does our president display such stereotypical bad behaviour of a randy black womaniser? I feel ashamed ... Making babies like South Africa does not have a huge HIV-Aids problem, coupled with gender problems ... how are the youth expected to behave?"

The very next day, perhaps at the bidding of a worried uncle, there came from the young lady some contrite nonsense about respect for "my elders" - a by-now familiar response from certain quarters regarding the president's putting it about the place like a rabbit on Robben Island.

As the youth league's Jelly Tsotsi put it, rather unfortunately: "We are Africans, we cannot discuss the private affairs of our elders and Zuma is a father to us all."

Not quite all of us. Not yet anyway. He's working on it, though, and it won't be too long before we're all Zuma, proud 19th-century-type folk.