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A Million Miles from Normal


Author Profile

Paige Nick


Copywriter Paige Nick lives in Cape Town and is the author of two novels, "A Million Miles from Normal"  and "This Way Up", She describes herself as a mildly neurotic writer with a slightly worrying shoe problem.

Latest Columns

Nothing to wax lyrical about

I don't think I've ever heard a pleasant waxing story. No one ever says: "You know what, I've just had the loveliest wax, I feel so relaxed."

My hard-wired (giggle) brain

Have you ever noticed how quickly just about anything can become suggestive? Have you seen the leaning tower of penis, I mean Pisa? Just the other day I was having a casual conversation with a friend and somehow in the space of about seven minutes, we managed to roll the conversation around from, "So, what book are you reading?" to one about weird sexual positions. As you do.

Right click with a cyberdate

Since I seem to be the common denominator in all my dodgy dates to date, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I'm doing it wrong, or maybe I just need to try something different.

Welcome to Cat Cafe

They say one should always ignore everything that "they" say, so ignoring that, "they" really do say that pets are supposed to lower your blood pressure. Although I'm tempted to believe that the "they" who came up with this one clearly don't have pets of their own.

A song for toast with the most

Three are lots of reasons why some people choose to live alone. Some don't want a person they fancy to see them in their oldest, most comfy pants.

Poor Alice has her hands full

IONCE had a geography teacher who used to say that there was no such thing as a stupid question. I think that might be the only thing I remember from class. That and how to paint my fingernails with Tipp-Ex.

When men get together and grunt

Men and women, we really couldn't be any more different if we tried. It's astonishing to me that any of our parts ever even fit together.

The bangle that befoodled Google

I feel like I'm always banging on over here about Google said this, or Wikipedia said that, or the computer feels this, or a website did that. But I do spend a fair share of my day sitting in front of a computer, so it can't come as too much of a surprise that I resort to it an awful lot.

Help! My memory's playing Bon Jovi

Wait, I wanted to write about something. What was it again? Oh yes, that's right, my memory. Or rather, current lack thereof. I'm sure I could fix it if only I could remember where I left it.

Sliding backwards into bad-date hell

I thought practice was supposed to make perfect? Isn't that what the famous "they" always say? But I've been dating for years, almost decades, and I don't seem to be getting much better at it. In fact, I may be on a sliding scale going in the opposite direction.

Spit, polish and scream

There are some things adults over a certain age should never do naked.

What happens when time is on your side

THERE are tons of people out there in the greater world who seem to have an awful lot of spare time on their hands. And thank the internet Gods for them.

Is your ex feeling a little crabby?

REVENGE is a dish best served cold. Or at least that's how the saying goes. Although, if this year's news is anything to go by, these days revenge is being served hot. Very hot.

No wedding vowels, thanks

If our president is anything to go by, weddings are big here in Mzansi. As far as I know, he currently has three wives, while two fiancées wait in the wings, in big hats.

How much is that again?

Back before there was the internet, we used to take most of our advice and inspiration from dead poets, politicians, visionaries, encyclopaedias and the inside of Chappies wrappers.

Isn't it morantic - I mean, romantic?

With Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I should write about romance today. It seemed the right thing to do.

Soooo, just don't ask, okay?

I just bumped into a friend I haven't seen for ages. We chatted, the usual pleasantries. Eventually it rolled around to that inevitable place of all conversations:

Three's company, two's a crowd

Ever heard of trinogamy? And no, I'm not talking about the branch of mathematics that deals with the relation between the sides and angles of plane or spherical triangles, and their calculations. That's trigonometry. trinogamy is when three people are in one relationship.

Makes me wish I was a stray...

WE'RE about to head into the fourth week of January. Easily the most broke week of the year for most of us. Thanks a lot, December!

So, delete the doctor option

It's that time of year again. Back to school, back to work, back to whatever it is that you do for a living. It's a good thing I'm a writer, there's not much else I'm any good at, unless watching reality TV and drinking whisky suddenly became a paying career while I was out.

A wardrobe of lives to try on

MAYBE it's the whole new year, new beginnings thing that got me thinking about this, but I was wondering what it would be like to try out another life sometime? It would be like taking someone else's world and trying it on like a dress, just for a day, to see if it fits.

'Tis the season to get stuffed

Christmas, my apologies, I meant to say The Festive Season, can be a bit of a minefield.

Before reality kicks in

New relationships are great. They don't call it the "Honeymoon Phase" for nothing. In the beginning the sun shines, birds tweet, nobody has morning breath and no matter what happens you can't wipe that stupid grin off your face.

The not-so-secret life of Bill

There has been much talk about the secrecy bill lately. I knew a secrecy Bill once. He and I had been dating for two weeks before I discovered he had a wife and three children.

Engaged - but not to him

This story recently broke in the news, about a 42-year-old Dutch woman who was charged with stalking after she called her ex-boyfriend 65000 times in one year.

Sex and those swollen ankles

Is it my imagination, or do women take sex a lot more seriously than men? I heard about a study some researchers did on a university campus in America. They got a good-looking man to approach 50 women on campus and ask each woman if she would have sex with him that night. Apparently the poor dude got 45 nos, three slaps in the face and two charges of sexual harassment.

The sadness of lost phone calls

Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Either oblivious of the law that a watched telephone never rings, or simply ignoring that fact and believing in your heart of hearts that you are different and therefore the cliché doesn't apply to you?

30 Hairy Days Hath November

I don't really get the moustache. In my mind the full bushy is only really appropriate in a handful of situations. On Tom Selleck, always. On a 45-year-old sheep farmer deep in the Karoo, sometimes.

Smart way to catch a slippery fish

I just  read this story in the news about Joseba Sarrionandia, a writer who was recently awarded a top Spanish literary award for a series of essays he wrote.

So where do you sit on the kink scale?

What do you consider kinky? And by kinky, the dictionary and I mean "full of kinks, closely twisted, unusual, or marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behaviour" (or should that be badhaviour?). Basically, it refers to how wild you are in the sack, or on the kitchen floor, or even out in public for you slightly braver kinksters.

Heartbroken? Take one screwdriver...

PEOPLE like to offer advice. Get a stain, they'll tell you how to get it out. Prang your car and they'll tell you about "their guy" that you absolutely have to go to if you want the best deal at the best price.

When it's time to meet his mother

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were more in love with the person's family than you were with them? I once carried on dating a guy for three months after I decided to break up with him, because I liked his mom and his sister so much.

Evolution and that mysterious third nipple

The other day I came across an article in the newspaper about a 37-year-old Cuban man who was born with 12 fingers and 12 toes. His name is Yoandri Hernandez Garrido, although his friends call him "24" for short.

Here's to a spanking good time

I recently got invited to a spanking party in Tokai. Unfortunately I had to stay home that night to set my hair on fire, otherwise I totally would have gone.

This is one bum deal I'll pass on

There seems to be a new rage sweeping the land right now. I'm talking about these group-deal thingies.

Smart as a horse, hung like Einstein ...

So there's a local dating website that I've been known to visit every now and then. I go there for a number of reasons.

On his head and off his noodle

Well, somebody had crack for breakfast, and it wasn't me. A dude named Niko Alm from Austria recently kicked up a massive stink with his local Department of Home Affairs until they eventually gave him permission to have his driver's licence photo taken while wearing a colander on his head.

Seeing double at the movies

So, how do you feel about pornography? Are you for it, against it, or indifferent? Sorry, but I have been writing this column for almost a year already; you had to know we were going to get to pornography eventually.

Twits tweeting about twiddlypoo

Nowhere are boundaries less built up, or is etiquette more forgotten than on Twitter.

Was your first time your worst time?

Remember the first time you had sex? And no, I don't mean by yourself, that doesn't count. I'm talking about when you lost your virginity.

What, no reality TV for writer types?

I'm a sucker for reality TV. It's a guilty pleasure I was hoping we could keep between us.

It's time greeting cards got real

Happy Father's Day, dads of the nation. The fact that it's today was violently brought to my attention while waiting in the queue at a shop the other day, running my eyes over the bazillion Father's Day cards and paraphernalia that had suddenly sprung up, like umbrellas for sale at a set of traffic lights during a sudden shower.

No need for Bring a Pig to Work Day

The guy who sits behind me's second cousin's girlfriend brought a pig into the advertising agency where I work. Do I need to repeat that? And which part? The guy who sits behind me's second cousin's girlfriend? Or the fact that she brought a pig into the office?