Far from bowled over

10 August 2011 - 03:10 By Bandit at Large
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A fully briefed crew goes west, armed and prepared for every eventuality thanks to the ruthlessly efficient beautiful Distraction.

Massive expectations. Check.

Reservation. Check.

Map book (2011 edition). Check.

Neatly noted directions from the receptionist. Check.

Fully comprehensive directions, from any number of starting points, printed off the website. Check.

Contact numbers (cellular and land line). Check.

Even - despite never having come close to being the proud owners of anything worth attaching a global positioning system to - the longitude and latitude, for helicopters (S 26º 02.516' E 27º 47.735') and cars (S 26º 01.564' E 027º 45.989') of Roots restaurant at the Forum Homini hotel.

The directions lead the crew alarmingly close to Krugersdorp, past - thankfully - what must be one of the only left turns to Ventersburg, to the gate of the Letamo private game reserve, home to a five-star "boutique" hotel and a highly reputed award-winning restaurant.

Boutique, shmoutique.

To the Bandit, a child of the '60s born in the Free State, the word conjures a platteland where the delusions of grandeur suffered by farmers' wives convinced that they deserved better than a plaasstalletjie selling karringmelk, droëperskes and gemmerkoekies, were showcased in serif-signed stores offering the very hottest crease-free Crimplene, ordentlikekerkskoene, and the kak-ugliest hats in millinery history (with the possible exception of the howler worn by Princess Beatrice to the recent royal wedding).

The Saturday brunch raid kicks off with a warm welcome and a glass of chilled, dryish sparkling no-name rosé in the airy restaurant which overlooks a watering hole.

A one-dimensional, cranberry-laden smoothie accompanied by undistinguished fruit macerated in tasteless elderflower syrup and garnished with a sprinkling of chocolate dust billed as shavings that is so sparing as to be indiscernible, follows.

Next up is a haddock and pea quiche with marinated tomato, watercress and chimichurri.

The thin-crusted quiche is pleasant enough, even for real men. And the chimichurri, a coupling of garlic, parsley, olive oil and red wine vinegar that in Argentina dances a sizzling culinary tango with steak, adds a dash of visual and gustatory pizzazz.

But why the dish is served in a deep bowl is a question, the Bandit is sure, only the chef can answer.

The day's main attraction is cinnamon-glazed pork loin served with a smoked bacon and bean ragout, poached egg and truffle hollandaise.

Judiciously seasoned but marginally overcooked, the loin is a little dry. It is well served by the perfectly poached egg, but less so by the too thick hollandaise which is singularly lacking in zing - or truffle. Ten minutes extra in the pot would render the merely passable bean and bacon ragout a winner.

Again, the chef must answer for the bowl.

Dessert takes the shape of something called a Hazelnut Blondie. The internet offers a plethora of visual references, but not one looks remotely like the two indigestible wedges of tasteless, mealy, hazelnut-studded dough set before the Bandit.

To add insult to the stodgery, the pistachio ice cream trumpeted as Blondie's partner smells like arsenic - a sure sign that the ice cream contains too much almond essence. Pistachio? Garnished with sprouts?

All of these crimes on a plate to which over-reduced fruit-coulis swirls of squeeze-bottle cheffery cling with the tenacity of superglue.

Dense scones which, were they any larger, could be used in hand to hand combat, a couple of shake-and-bake-from-frozen pastries (a mini carrot-cake sort of muffiny thing and mass-produced croissants sold to chefs as "laminated products") and a duo of jams of questionable quality bring the raid to a close.

Even the milky cappuccino seems to lack what little strength of character it would take to drag its sorry self towards excellence.

THE SCORE:

Roots at the Forum Homini

Elderflower fruits: **

Haddock: ***

Hazelnut Blondie: *

Pastries: 0

Damage: Shattered expectations

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