Hogarth 21 August 2011

21 August 2011 - 02:51 By Hogarth
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Hogarth does not suffer fools lightly and is compulsive reading for the millions of South Africans who share this intolerance.

Grace Mugabe
Grace Mugabe

There goes the class in business class ...

HOGARTH is pleased to see that Zimbabwe's ever-shrinking economy has not blunted the spending power of its elite.

Hogarth last week had the pleasure of sharing a business class cabin on a flight from Singapore to Johannesburg with President Robert Mugabe's second wife, Grace. She was comfortably ensconced in business class with her diamond-encrusted specs and gold-flecked highlights while four terrified flunkies scurried around stowing bits of luggage at her unsmiling behest. Her people's annual per-capita income is now less than $200; her excess luggage on this flight: 50 times that amount.

She could not fly Air Zimbabwe, Bob's personal airline, as the state carrier's flights have been suspended; its 49 pilots are on strike over unpaid salaries.

Grace and her entourage were met by fawning South African government officials and ushered to waiting Department of International Relations luxury sedans. Her wiggling around smart sanctions says a lot about those not applying them. Unelected, unaccountable and uncaring - Dis our Grace.

Godzille's fiery breath

GODZILLE, ruler of the Western Cape kingdom, was not in a good mood at all this week. She ordered her footmen to summon the scribes of the kingdom for a public flogging after one among them had suggested her court had given goodies to an advertising agency without following proper procedure.

On and on she went, telling the scribes that they were being used by her enemies to embarrass her court.

When her harangue had gone on for two hours, one of her footmen, Nick Clelland Stokes, passed Godzille a note reminding her that her Privy Council was assembled and waiting for an audience.

"I don't care about being late for the cabinet meeting. This is more important. Tell Minister (Theuns) Botha to chair the cabinet in my absence," she barked at him.

Poor Clelland-Stokes retreated to his seat and stared into the distance while Godzille rounded off her rebuke.

A bit of self-control

SO Wee Julius and the other kindergarten bullies have finally been sent to the headmaster's office. He might wish he had consulted his namesake, Malema Sensors, which was the first offering when Hogarth queried "Malema" online after the news broke: "Malema designs and manufactures measurement and control instruments for abrasive slurries," the website says.

Flight manuel update

CLEVER Trevor may be the darling of the markets, but he is much less loved in the airline community.

After Hogarth's recent comment about Manuel's onboard attitude, other cabin staff have written to cheer. "Nothing is ever good enough ... he throws hissy fits on every flight," said one. Apparently he likes his nuts served on a white tablecloth.

Jacob Zuma, on the other hand, gets top marks for grace in the first class cabin.

Quis custodiet ...

IT was parliament's little fynbos flower, Vytjie Mentor, who spotted the logical absurdity during debate on the proposed secrecy bill of the ANC's insistence that all leaked evidence of corruption should be handed in at the nearest police station.

What would happen if the document was about police corruption," she asked. "If the police are corrupt do they investigate themselves?"

High-speed sea snail chase

TWO years ago, an aspiring abalone poacher had to borrow an ANC campaign car plastered with JZ stickers to transport his haul of fresh perlemoen, but things are on the up in that fishy trade, despite the occasional arrest. Hogarth's surfing correspondent in Hermanus notes that in a recent bust, the poachers had upgraded to a BMW. Since that obviously was not fast enough, this week's economically empowered poaching suspects got clean away in a cream Porsche, police said.

Perhaps Lord Laidlaw, the British tax exile living just up the road in Noordhoek, would lend the police the 1001hp Bugatti Veyron he keeps there. Its 400km/h top speed should settle things.

Write to: hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za

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