Wooden-spoonerism returns from the wilderness

As former judge Willem Heath re-enters the corruption-busting stage, is it time for a new round of sh**-stirring?

THE temptation to dub as a "wooden-spoonist" anyone appointed by President Jacob Zuma to high office - as though their only qualification for the position is having been of use to the big man during his troubles - can lead to terrible misjudgments.

In the cases of Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng and Menzi Simelane, not so much. Nor, for that matter, is it wrong to suggest that of Mac Maharaj.

The appointment of all three have, instead of solving problems, caused more trouble for The Prez.

But former judge Willem Heath is a man who knows how to cause the best kind of trouble. When he was Judge Heath, he got up the noses of some VVIPs - Lord Thabo, among them - as founding head of the Special Investigating Unit (SIU). At the time, his counterpart at the Asset Forfeiture Unit (AFU) was, and now is again, Willie Hofmeyr.

Heath is a man with a naughty twinkle in the eye. Willie, superficially, seems to lack that twinkle. But only superficially.

Back then, in the late '90s and early naughties, there was a wooden spoon in Heath's office in the Eastern Cape. It took pride of place on the wall behind his desk. It was, if I remember correctly, awarded each year to one of his investigators. The stirrer award was coveted by staff of the SIU. Being knighted a member of the order of sh**-stirrers meant you were really good at your job.

And what an important job at that. The AFU was hitting criminals where it hurts the most, their wallets. And the SIU was going after those who, through maladministration or corruption, cost the taxpayers billions of rand. Not only could the SIU seek criminal convictions, but it could get the money back through civil action as well. Which it did. In spectacular fashion.

But then Heath's glittering career as a corruption-buster was brought to a screeching halt by Lord Thabo.

Heath, supported by the tenacious Patricia de Lille, fought desperately to have his SIU included in a multi-agency probe of the biggest con-trick ever pulled - the gazillion-rand arms deal.

Heath never did get to find out who the Keyzer Söze was in that deal. The suspects were not the usual.

What he did get was a cold lesson in real politic from Thabo. Who accused Heath of touting for work.

Those in the legal fraternity will tell you that being accused of touting is an unbearable insult.

Do you remember that press conference in January 2001? When the then director-general in the Presidency, the Rev Frank Chikane, released Thabo's "Dear John" letter to Willem. There was clearly some chicanery afoot.

"You embarked on an unseemly campaign to 'tout' for work, with a level of desperation I am still trying to understand," Thabo wrote of Heath's quest to have the SIU involved in an arms-deal probe. He also told Heath that he had no prima-facie evidence of any wrongdoing in the arms deal ... Natch!

Very soon thereafter, reasons were found to prevent Heath continuing to lead the SIU. He was finished. To quote a line from the cult series The Wire, the Mbeki move sent a message to Heath: "You wanted to be in the game. Now you're in the game."

Heath, it can be argued, was politically naive. And it damaged him, I suspect, in less obvious ways than simply losing a position. You are what you do, they say. And Heath seemed to go from politically naive to cynical in no time.

Doing work for the man who would be king, Zuma, served a purpose. The Brett Kebble ties, too, speak of a man whose exposure to the murky world of politics turns him cynical. Heath became a player. A free agent. A hired gun.

By contrast, Hofmeyr, ever measured, calm and collected, soldiered on in his quietly heroic way. Taking over from where Heath left off as head of both the AFU and the SIU. A birdy tells me the wooden spoon remained a feature in that office. That he has done a remarkable job cannot be in dispute.

But the howls of outrage that greeted Heath's appointment to once more lead the SIU were somewhat hysterical.

Hofmeyr may miss being head of both organs. Maybe he was shafted, or is being groomed for something else. Never count him out, though. And Heath, as the Rastas say, has his own credentials.

They are very different men.

But, in those earlier days, the two men shared more than just the same initials.

Both knew how to stir up some really good trouble. Though Heath's spoon was a little flashier than Hofmeyr's. Both could be, um, problems for the Big Man.

And both did it in the very best way possible - by doing their jobs well.

The difference now is that one has been out in the wilderness. That may have had an impact on his "table manners". What's the odds he can still hold a spoon, though?