It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. For now

If the apocalypse does not hit us on December 21 2012, climate change will do it

MOST people probably do not remember where they were on the morning of October 20. But I remember that morning vividly.

It was the day it was confirmed to me that I had just more than 24 hours to live.

If you have ever watched the 1995 Andy Garcia movie, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, you would know what I am talking about. If not, do watch it.

So you can imagine the thoughts that raced through my mind. Last weekend with family and friends. Would I get a final opportunity to see Orlando Pirates and Tottenham Hotspur? Would I get to visit the Grillhouse for a last pork platter and a Caol Ila whisky? Oh, so much to do and so little time.

The person delivering the devastating news was Johannes Coetzee, leader of the South African chapter of the October 21 doomsday cult. Coetzee and other cultists had holed up in a hotel waiting for the Earth's implosion and the ascension of God's chosen people - the cult members - to heaven.

So on that Friday I was driving from Pretoria to the glorious and aesthetically magnificent city of Johannesburg when Coetzee was suddenly on my car radio.

He was telling SAfm presenter Siki Mgabadeli that we were all goners.

When Mgabadeli asked Coetzee whether she could call him on Monday morning to check up on him, he was audibly irritated, bordering on angry. He said he would not be around to take calls and she certainly would not be around to make that darn call in the first place.

So that was it, then. Who could argue with a man called Johannes Coetzee, a man with 'n ware en ordentlike Suid-Afrikaanse naam (a real and proper South African name)?

But it was not to be. Instead of the world ending, Coetzee was left with a massive hotel bill and his face covered with the liquid that comes from the oblong things that hens lay.

October 21 was just one of several days on which the world was meant to end in 2011, depending on your choice of looney. In fact, some crazies in the US slated the world's ending for this week.

Now, as we head into 2012, we are faced with the mother of all world endings. If you did not believe in end-of- the-world predictions before, 2012 is the year to put your cynicism aside. Several calculations tell us that THIS IS IT.

The most celebrated of these is the Mayan calender prediction. According to adherents, it has the curtains coming down on December 21 2012. (If I am not mistaken, this will coincide with the last day of the ANC's elective conference in Mangaung, Bloemfontein, so there may be something here.)

So to all you sinners out there, prepare thyself for the apocalypse. Repent your wayward behaviour. The end is nigh.

If you are cynical still, you were not following the news this month when the scientific doomsters descended on Durban for their annual gathering. According to this lot, the world may not end in 2012 or any time soon, but we are in serious trouble if we do not mend our ways.

The delegates to the United Nations' COP17 summit spewed out statistics about the world getting hotter, sea levels rising, ice caps melting, rivers and streams drying up, crops dying and climate mayhem breaking out everywhere.

Unfortunately for us, this lot is onto something. We are indeed in trouble if we do not alter our ways.

I used to be an environmental agnostic, believing that development should take precedence over nature and sustainability. Humanity has always made a plan, was my mantra. So do not tell me that if we do ABC, this will be the consequence in a decade or a century.

I was nearly lynched by a Capetonian audience when I dared suggest that we allow Sol Kerzner to build a wondrous six-star hotel on top of Table Mountain.

I have since ditched the idea. But for argument's sake, let us think about it: would you not enjoy a piña colada, daiquiri, single malt or your choice of fruit juice while lying pool-side, gazing over the vast expanse of the Atlantic seaboard? C'mon De Lille, c'mon Ehrenreich. Surely on this one you can put differences aside? Just think, Ehrenreich, the working classes will get to share in the wealth generated by the mountain.

Okay, I did say I had ditched the idea.

So back to the scientific doomsayers. I am afraid the whole COP process is doomed. The only credible and laudable progress that has come out of it is behaviour change among ordinary people and progressive-minded corporations.

The world's economic powers and large industry will not change their ways until technological developments make it economically viable for them to do so.

As COP17 drew to a close, one was left questioning the effectiveness of these conferences. Even if we have amaphoyisa awu 18, amaphoyisa awu 20 and even amaphoyisa awu 50, we will continue on our gradual march towards doomsday.

But Merry Christmas, nonetheless. Enjoy the last week before 2012.