Ready to lie, cheat, steal - and play pinball, if you like

Application for the position of CEO of the National Prosecuting Authority

DEAR Sir, I couldn't help noticing your advertisement while trawling the Careers section for government jobs that involve tremendous amounts of money and very little work. To be honest - and I think honesty is important if one is to work for the NPA - it was the salary you are offering that caught my eye. The idea of earning R1071264 a year speaks to me on many different levels.

Although I have no formal legal training, I do have a fair amount of experience in matters involving the law. For example, I was once charged under the Police Act. This afforded me considerable insight into the way prosecutors operate, and I can assure you that when it comes to attending expensive lunches and finagling squid-pro-quo incentives, whether they be in the form of rough diamonds or unpolished Cambodian whores, I am more than capable of following due process.

You may also rest assured that, unlike certain former NPA employees, I will not leave myself exposed to covert surveillance when dealing with sensitive matters involving high-ranking members of the ruling party. In fact, assuming that your building has more bugs in it than a Chinese casserole, it is probably best that I not come into the office at all.

Apparently applications must be submitted on form Z83. I always thought the Z83 was a car. No wonder I am unemployed. If you like, I can print this out, write Z83 at the top and fax it to you. That's another of my strong points: always looking for a loophole. And free beer. But mainly loopholes.

By the way, what the hell do you mean, "If you have not been contacted within three months, please accept that your application was unsuccessful"? This is outrageous. I cannot live on hope and slivers of dried rat for 90 days, only for my dream of working for the NPA to be smothered in silence. If you do not hire me, please accept that your building may soon be on fire.

I am also a little perplexed by this: "Successful candidates will be subjected to security clearance processes at least up to a level of Top Secret." When I was younger, I was a member of a neighbourhood gang. Nothing on the scale of the Israeli mafia obviously, but we didn't allow girls to join and only certain members could be trusted with top-secret information. You will be pleased to know that I was one of them. One afternoon, a senior member of the girls' gang cornered me in the park - I think it was Charlize Theron - and offered to lift up her skirt in return for a map pinpointing the location of our camp. I cracked like a quail's egg. But I am stronger now, and the NPA's secrets will be safe with me. However, it might be advisable to keep Charlize away.

You say that if I cannot get a security clearance, my appointment may be terminated. In that case, I may as well tell you right now that I have a Muslim friend. I don't know if this counts for or against me. If you prefer, I can have him terminated.

I will lie, cheat, steal and kill for the NPA. You won't find that kind of loyalty in any other government department. Well, apart from defence. And public works. And maybe home affairs. Oh, and the police. And perhaps correctional services.

Under skills and competencies, I see you require someone who can think strategically and mobilise financial resources. Look, I'm no Glenn Agliotti, but with a bit of training, I can get there.

And you also want a "tactful, diplomatic and above-average negotiator". If you mean someone who can serve a summons on the president in such a way that he looks forward to going to prison, I am your man. It must be said, though, that I am not much of a negotiator when it comes to hostages. I am of the David Cameron school, which believes it is better to kill the kidnappers and the hostages.

My primary responsibility, if I am not mistaken, is to support the National Director of Public Prosecutions. If, by this, you mean take a bullet for him, I will happily do so. But he cannot come and live with me when he is fired, as he surely will be if he does his job properly.

Prosecutorially yours,

Adv Ben Trovato

PS. I understand that in filling this vacancy, you will be taking the Employment Equity Act into consideration. Perhaps you should also take into consideration that if you pay a white man R1-million a year, you are guaranteed his cooperation. I would be like that deaf, dumb, blind kid, Tommy, when it came to matters that were best left unheard, unspoken and unseen. I also play a mean pinball, if that helps.