The death of funerals

When does a black family grieve for a loved one? On the day of the funeral? After the funeral? Or when all the relatives and friends have gone home?

When do black people mourn a loved one?

Once all the relatives have been notified? When the church has been told of the death?

Wait, the neighbours still have to be informed. The deceased's friends need to know. Oh, my goodness, what about the colleagues?

Have we covered everyone, including the stokvels, clubs and societies, of which the deceased was a member?

All this spreading the word often takes place even before the funeral arrangements are made, the undertaker is contacted and a burial package is selected or topped up.

The buses have to be hired to transport mourners to the cemetery. Mobile toilets arranged. Tents, chairs, gas stoves and food-warmers have to be rented for the funeral.

When does a black family mourn the death of a loved one?

From the moment a death in a black family is announced, the home of the deceased becomes a hive of activity.

All those people who have been informed of their passing come to offer condolences. It is ubuntu.

Tea and cake must be served by the grieving family to all those who come to give words of comfort. People who come from afar have to be served a warm meal.

Relatives come from near and far to be with the family during this difficult time. Some stay with the family until the day of the funeral, some even stay on for a week or two afterwards.

Meals have to be planned so that each and every one of these people is fed. Usually, the family will cook two hot meals a day until the day of the funeral.

A lot of meals are served in the week leading up to the funeral, a lot of scones served in the days before the funeral.

The longer the period between the death and the funeral - sometimes it takes a week and a half before a loved one who died in the middle of the week can be buried - the greater the expense.

On the day of the funeral, a cow or sheep (even if it is not slaughtered at the home) is cooked, and chicken is fried to accommodate those who do not eat red meat.

The menu at funerals is not very different from that at weddings, except there is no dessert and alcohol can only be consumed a few houses away from the bereaved's home.

When does a black family grieve for a loved one?

Closer to the funeral, people, even family members, think: What am I going to wear for the funeral?

You can imagine, if this is a concern of the bereaved, how much more so for the mourners, some of whom last saw the deceased at high school?

When does the black family mourn the death of a loved one?

Because people don't go to funerals for the burial anymore, a funeral is a social event that requires careful consideration of what to wear, what to drive and what company you keep during and after the formalities.

When does a black family mourn a loved one when, on the day of the funeral, cliques form quickly outside the home or church at which the funeral service is to be held. Mourners wearing big sunglasses and standing under umbrellas gather a few metres away to catch up with old pals, get the latest gossip and look at the latest fashions.

Neighbours watch their favourite soapie omnibus until the sound of bus engines drowns out their TV.

When does a family mourn a loved one when sometimes the chatter outside the church or the tent is so loud that it swallows that of the pastor, the speakers and the hymns, which are meant to support and soothe the hearts of those who have lost a loved one.

When do black families grieve for a loved one?

At the cemetery, the cliques formed at the service continue with their chatter, even laughter, their cigarette smoke filling the air.

When it is time, a request has to be sent to men to help fill the grave. The volunteers do not come from the crowd holding branded umbrellas, on their phones texting and tweeting, or just chatting.

When does a family mourn the death of a loved one?

There is little or no respect shown to those who are grieving. Even before the bereaved family has returned to its cars, the "mourners" have left the cemetery so that they will be first in line for their meal of chicken or beef.

The result is that the older generation, who still afford the bereaved the dignity of allowing them to bury their loved ones in solemnity, are the last ones to return to the family home where the food is being served.

The young and strong, who spend the entire funeral leaning on their fancy cars or in the shade of trees, eat first, before the men and women who sang to comfort the bereaved.

Gone are the days when mourners wore dark colours to funerals, when hearses were black, when coffins were modest, when mourners came back to a small serving of samp, gravy and meat, and when we treated those in mourning with dignity and we served them instead of expecting to be served by them.