Nothing golden about silence

Men get into a lot of trouble for using words such as "b***h" and "s**t", but these words are used comfortably by women to refer to other women.

Men seem to have a better understanding that it takes two to cheat. For women, it seems, it is other women who make it possible - and are responsible - for men cheating.

Men seem to accept that people die, and that sometimes that person could be your wife. Women treat a husband's death differently. Let me explain.

In the different black traditions (for lack of a better description), a widow is required to wear mourning clothes for a period of time. No such requirement is imposed on the widower.

And who determines what the widow should and should not wear, and for how long she should wear it? Trust me, it is not the male family members who come up with these things. It is mainly the female family members who, at that point, will assume the role of custodians of all kinds of traditions, with personal touches added to them.

It is the same women in whose households the widow will not be welcomed for the duration of the mourning period, which can take up to a year.

During this time, the widows are considered unclean and unlucky, and they have a dark cloud hanging over their heads.

We scorn the attitude of taxi drivers, who have all manner of superstitions about widows, but we neglect the attitudes of the many women in whose households these widows are not even welcomed.

A woman is lucky if her husband's family members have not accused her of the death of her husband.

It doesn't matter how the husband died - he can be a chain smoker, who spent his last days coughing his lungs out. But should he kick the bucket, some relatives would think she did something to bring about his "sudden death".

A widow must also expect that her finances will be the subject of all family meetings.

The widower's mourning period, on the other hand, should be sped up as swiftly as possible with warmed cooked meals, freshly baked scones and hand-washed laundry.

Who does all of this? Women; friends of the deceased, relatives, neighbours, colleagues. He's not unclean, not unlucky. He doesn't have a dark cloud hanging over his head because his wife has died.

The way women treat one another creates a conducive environment for abuse to thrive.

The plea by murdered police constable Francis Rasuge's sisters, which appeared in the Pretoria News yesterday, that they fear for her twin sister's life because she's in an abusive relationship, saddened me.

They told the newspaper that Francis' twin, Wilheminah, was prevented from attending the funeral by her allegedly abusive husband. Wilheminah, who works in South Korea and came back specially for her twin's burial, could not even be contacted on her cellphone to find out where she is, the newspaper reported.

The quote that disturbed me from one sister, Mamiki Rasuge: "We knew what was going on with Francis and we kept quiet. But now we won't do it anymore. It is high time we speak out . We are tired of abuse."

It is this keeping quiet until it is too late that emboldens the perpetrator, covers up a crime and brings shame to those who are victims. It is the abusers who should be shamed, who should not be supported, who should be rooted out of our homes and our communities.

We cannot claim to be against abuse if we expect the government to talk about stopping abuse as if it is the responsibility of the government alone, or the NGOs or social workers, or the media.

It is the responsibility of each and every one of us to speak out when such an injustice is done.

If your family members know what you are going through and still keep quiet, how then are strangers expected to assist you?

Last year, former Pennsylvania State University football assistant coach Jerry Sandusky was charged with sexually abusing at least eight underage boys. After an extensive grand jury investigation, Sandusky was charged with 42 counts of child molestation dating from 1994 to 2009.

From the findings of the investigation, several senior-level school officials were charged with perjury, suspended or dismissed for allegedly covering up the incidents or failing to notify authorities. The school president, Graham Spanier, was forced to resign, and head football coach Joe Paterno was fired.

It is such a stance against abuse that we need.

We, instead, encourage those who are abused to be ashamed by giving them little or no support, and we embolden the abusers by not speaking out and doing something to stop abuse.