Gay fathers-to-be

My adult son and his male lover want to adopt a baby. I cannot tolerate the idea. How can I learn to accept this?

SHRINK RAP

SEXUALITY is not like an occupation or hobby that can be changed if it proves inconvenient or problematic for others.

It is very understandable that the situation may disturb you as a result of religious convictions or having grown up in a generation where such choices were taboo .

It can be a loss for a parent when a child does not follow the conventional life path.

I'm assuming that you mix with friends and family who have the same reaction to the situation as you do, which makes it embarrassing for you. If, however, you make your decisions about what to do under the sway of shame, loss, disappointment and your sense of betrayal at your son not living the life you expected of him, you run the risk of losing a relationship that you value.

You need to focus on what you wish to honour in the relationship, and not on what you reject about it.

Focus your attention on your love, all that you have enjoyed with him and about him and what you appreciate, value and admire about your son's life and qualities of character. With this backdrop you can start to work on coming to terms with your son's sexual orientation and the lifestyle choices that flow from that. Then think of what expectations you can preserve and maintain.

One of them is probably being a grandparent to his children. Resolving to play that role will give you a basis to participate in his life in a meaningful and active way. - Leonard Carr