Perils of macho culture

Since the age of about 11, I noticed something very strange. It was common then for groups of men working for the Cape Town City Council to be found on street corners digging, or at the back of those large city council lorries with their spades. When a woman passed, I noticed from a distance, they would say something in her direction. Her body would tremble slightly in shock, and the men would laugh.

I have seen such scenes hundreds of times. In the course of time, what was happening became clear: the men were making sexually demeaning comments, or lewd invitations, to the woman passing by. It was the most natural thing in the world - it is what men do.

I thought of this sick phenomenon as the media swept the nation into a frenzy with lurid details of the tragic rape, disembowelment and murder of Anene Booysen in the quiet town of Bredasdorp.

Suddenly, rape reporting was all over newspapers, from girls in their teens to gogos in their 90s. Everybody wanted to march somewhere, hold vigils in public or hang the bastards. The frenzy will die down, just as civic energy dissipated after the brutal rape of Valencia Falmer in 1999 and baby Tshepang in 2001.

To change the epidemic of rape in South Africa, we need to change the culture that produces these kinds of men in this kind of society. It starts with how we raise our boys. Take, for example, the socialisation of the rugby boy. The youngster is taught aggression from early on, and encouraged to be physical in his encounter with the opposition. As some competitive bodies are pumped with steroids, physical fights are common - even deadly ones, as in the 2006 death of Rawsonville rugby player Riaan Loots. Fiery nicknames are points of pride: Bees, Baksteen and Bakkies.

Then there is the home, where the son observes how his father treats women, including his wife. The physical abuse of women is common in many South African families. Wherever I have worked, I would see the head of a colleague drop as I asked how she came to have those facial bruises. This is not only a disease of the working classes and the poor - wife-beating is a classless sport. It is, in fact, no different from beating your children. A defenceless child is beaten for being "naughty" by a stronger adult. That some use the holy scriptures to justify such assault on the young turns my stomach. When you beat a child he learns that, to get his way, using his hands is acceptable.

It was "an innocent and playful gesture", said one newspaper when the president "pounced on" the DA parliamentary leader from behind and tickled her neck and shoulders at a cocktail function last year. Precisely. A man lays his hands on a woman's body, and we smile as we accept such behaviour as normative.

It is in these everyday practices of what men do, and are allowed to do, that we establish in our culture the kinds of gender relations that sometimes explode into the terror of rape. I will never forget the recent CNN interview with a former rapist who, when asked why he did it, responded calmly: "It was not an issue in my community."

We need to do things differently. First, teach your boy to cry from an early age. Learning to express emotion in a safe and positive way, rather than through aggression and retaliation, goes a long way to healing the woundedness of men in our society. Second, model as men the alternate behaviour, especially in a crisis. In the almost 50 years that I knew my father, I can honestly say I did not hear him - ever - raise his voice towards my mother. That, I know, had an enormous influence over my life. Third, speak the language of love. Tell your children you love them. Fourth, reprimand bad male behaviour in public so your children know there is right and wrong.

Let us not fake disgust when a woman is raped.

Let us ask, as men, how we contribute to this culture of disregard for women in our society.