Seeing red about 'Grey'
Fifty Shades of Grey won't leave me alone.
The first instalment of EL James's erotic trilogy was published more than two years ago. Then it was the only thing anyone who can read spoke about. "What fun." "How awful." "What trash. I can get my rocks off elsewhere."
I hated it, and not just for its terrible writing. As a mother of two daughters I hated reading about Anastasia's dominance and submission sexual arrangements with Christian. There have to be better ways to lose your virginity, I thought, putting the book aside at the first Red Room of Pain scene. But I was alone in my discomfort.
The erotic trilogy has been credited with boosting what would have been dismal book sales for two years running. The books made their way into the hands of women across the world and onto bestseller lists everywhere.
And the author has made herself a small fortune - according to the BBC she earned £61.5-million last year. That's about R1-billion to you and me.
It wasn't long before the story was snapped up by Hollywood, and now there is a delightful hullabaloo about who plays the couple, Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. When the announcement was made that two young stars, Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson, have been cast, the storm broke.
You'd think the two pretties would be perfect. Hunnam is blond, buffed and fairly okay. Johnson is young and gorgeous.
Her proud Mamma, Melanie Griffith, tweeted: "My beautiful child Dakota has been chosen to play Anna Steele in 50 Shades! Look out world! Here she comes!"
But unlike Griffith, the books' obsessed fans are not happy.
On a site usually used for the greater good, change.org, a petition "We want Matt Bomer and Alexis Bledel as Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele in 50 Shades" has been launched "to persuade filmmakers to recast the actors". It has more than 60 000 signatures.
The petition says Bomer is the perfect description of Christian and Bledel is the perfect actress to represent Anastasia.
I don't get the difference between the actors. They're all white and pretty.
More interestingly, the petition also says "We can do anything guys, anything".
I like the confidence in the power the fans believe they have as the film's audience.
But really, people, this is only Fifty Shades of Grey, not the film adaptation of the Bible.
Who cares which of the pretty non-entities gets all tied up?
I just hope no animals are harmed in the making of the film.