Plucking the hair wrinkles only result in damaged follicles

I had to concur. I have been going grey since I was 21.

I can actually recall the first sprouting.

It coincided with a tear. Perhaps tears and grey hairs are related?

First thing this morning, I went off to hide the evidence. I could not take it anymore, I felt peculiarly vulnerable with all my little grey hairs poking out all over the place.

I ignore them quite pointedly most of the time. But now they glared back at me from every angle, most jarringly in the eye of the plain-speaking beholder.

But also to be found in other places I frequent, like my car - reflecting in the overhead mirror every time I looked up - grey beacons of my tears and frustrations bobbing away on my head. Great big hair wrinkles.

Still every time I sit in the chair awash in chemical fumes and self- pity, I conclude that dying your hair is a bloody bore. It takes forever and it grows out in no time. I need permanent solutions and I need them fast.

Plucking the hair wrinkles, as I explained to my observant friend, is no solution at all, it will only result in damaged follicles. I need to work smarter, faster, bolder.

My thoughts naturally turned to Madonna. She must have loads of hair wrinkles, although she never cries, so it could be that she really doesn't.

Nevertheless, working on the assumption that she is now in her fifth decade of life, she must be disguising them somehow.

My theory is that her methodology involves the pelvic thrust. She throws a mean pelvic thrust at every opportunity and so neatly diverts the attention from her hair wrinkles to other, more vibrant elements of her physique.

But if I start engaging my pelvis in the interests of obfuscation, I might throw my back out and that would certainly lead to many more tears than I can presently afford given my ratio of wrinkled to non-wrinkled hair.

The Daily Beast website is running a special feature on the world's top 10 oldest mothers.

This is a seriously grey bunch, what with a median age of 65.

But as their biblical predecessor Ruth knew all too well, a baby on the hip does wonders for your grey.

Everyone is too busy noting the insane reproductive habits of grannies to notice a few stray hair wrinkles.

I fear, however, that this particular strategy will not work for me right now, given the ratio.

I am banking it for future reference. You never know when a pelvic thrust and a baby on the hip might come in handy. Come to think of it, Madonna is totally onto it.