Tsunami of political gobbledegook

We thought Safa president Kirsten Nematandani had no peers when it came to mind-numbing speeches, but he has met his match in new sports minister Fikile Mbalula.

After arriving almost an hour late for a Safa/FNB press conference this week, Mbalula had the nerve to rant about issues that had nothing to do with the gathering. The minister nearly rendered the audience comatose with his tsunami of political gobbledegook. Even the dignitaries were yawning like hippos as Mbalula attempted to break Mangosuthu Buthelezi's world record by blathering on until Christmas.

PSL CEO Kjetil Siem is showing the SPCA the finger with his parade of bushveld fashion. Our "Norwegian Tarzan" was flaunting a zebra-skin belt this week and has shoes and a matching handbag for his missus. We hear the anti-poaching society has Siem on their radar and we asked immigration and customs to prevent him from skipping the country with his collection of contraband hides.

LAZY days have begun at the SABC - or else Noluthando Ngendane, the SABC Sport PR manager, is permanently in Snoozeville. She only dispatched a press release on Wednesday about two of the broadcaster's journalists winning Safa Awards, five days after the event. Someone needs to smack her blonde head to wake her up.

IT is not raining but pouring for Orlando Pirates No1 supporter Mzion Mofokeng. Not only did he witness Amakhosi sjambokking his club last Sunday, he was also bliksemed by a gorilla-sized Chiefs supporter after the match. Left with a broken tooth, wounded Mzion is now searching high and low for the perpetrator.

IT is with sadness that we say "tschuss!" to Rainer Zobel, who is puffing his last Mzansi ciggies after being booted by the Birds. "I have met a lot of good people here and I like the country. It has only been a few fans and some minority shareholders that haven't been nice to me," Zobel told one hyperactive website this week. Surely he wasn't expecting hugs and boxes of bratwurst with Swallows nesting at the bottom of the log?

WE hope those minority shareholders are not just name-dropping by claiming to have roped in housing minister Tokyo Sexwale in their efforts to topple current Birds boss Leon Prins. Sexwale is known for getting carried away, but how is Tokyo going to help shareholders? By building them RDP mansions on the Dobsonville pitch, perhaps?

BENSON "German Mauser" Mhlongo recently apologised to the Bucs family after illegal gun possession charges were withdrawn. Mhlongo should stick to his famous toy gun, which squirts whisky tots into his mouth whenever he pulls the trigger. Aside from the risk of a hectic babalaas, it's far safer than transporting gun-toting hoodlums in his Beemer.

"CONGRATULATIONS to Thanda Rural Zulu," said Carara Kicks coach Duncan Lechesa after his side lost 4-3 last week. The defeat must have been mind-altering for Lechesa because the last time we checked, Kicks were butt-kicked by Thanda Royal Zulu. But in Lechesa's defence, it takes one rural moSotho to know a bunch of rural Zulus.