New mission for criminal crooner

Tsamaya was amused to hear that the Netherlands' health, welfare and sport secretary, Mariette Bussemaker, has urged her countrymen to bring their own condoms to the 2010 World Cup.

Current Font Size:

• Maybe we shouldn't be surprised: cheapskate Dutch tourists are notorious for bringing their own supplies of food and dop when they go caravanning in neighbouring countries in Europe. While Tsamaya supports the call to condomise, we wish to remind everyone that the World Cup is a football event, not an international swinger's convention. We all know that the spark of romance can happen anywhere, any time - but let's keep our eyes on the ball, gents.

• While we're setting ground rules, Thierry Henry must keep his hands off the ball next June. It's been a dodgy week for French sportsmanship, what with Henry's brazen bout of basketball and the French rugby team's deployment of the merciless double agent, Ras Dumisani, to destroy the mental health of our beloved Bokke. One of Tsamaya's informants reports that the criminal crooner may be recalled to SA and given a top-secret new mission: to sing the national anthems of all our group opponents at the World Cup.

• Another sit-down comedian from Tsamaya's office suggests Bafana Bafana can only manage goalless draws these days because the players are trying to replicate all the zeroes in coach Carlos Alberto Parreira's salary. If this is true, and we're moving backwards through R1800000, then we're due for an 8-1 victory in the next game, against Chile. "Mbazo" Mokoena has been pencilled in to score a hat trick. Speaking of Parreira, we're loving his intelligible English. The man talks the walk: now let's see the walk, please!

• Ernst Middendorp's return to these shores is good news for Tsamaya - we look forward to bringing you more tales of black leather trousers, empty wine bottles and flying false teeth. But the often-fired Mazinyo.com's arrival at Maritzburg United is surely not good news for the self-styled "Team of Choice". Our sangoma correspondent reports confidently that Middendorp's contract will end in tears before the season is over. When will PSL clubs start to give young local coaches a chance? They can hardly do worse than all these globe-trotting jokers we can't seem to get rid of.

• Old Tsamaya favourite Benni McCarthy made a quick wardrobe adjustment this week. The sumo striker felt a bit uncomfortable in Port Elizabeth, where he trundled about in a tight-fitting Bafana jersey that left none of his many spare tyres to the imagination. By the time he reached Bloemfontein, Benni was wearing a converted Bafana-themed parachute, perhaps specially flown out from adidas headquarters. Benni's bum has been polishing the Blackburn Rovers bench and as Parreira has pointed out, he must find a club where he will play regularly if he wants to catch the 2010 train. We also advise Benni to talk less and train more.

• Praise be that Bafana will be given one of eight seedings in the World Cup draw. That means Parreira's goal-shy gang will escape all the giants. The problem is that there are many more than seven strong teams in the field. Tsamaya's fantasy draw? Bafana, Honduras, New Zealand and Slovenia. Don't laugh - it could happen.

 Loading...