10 modern car features you really don’t need

We get satellite navigation apps and USB ports, but some high-tech gizmos have no business being built into contemporary cars, writes motoring correspondent Thomas Falkiner

1. KEYLESS ENTRY

Old-fashioned twist keys worked brilliantly for decades. So why did manufacturers replace them with a plastic key card and a stop/start button? I lost one inside a test car at a racetrack once and spent over an hour trying to track it down so I could grab a burger at the canteen. Turned out it had been inexplicably lodged beneath the passenger seat rail. A key goes into a lock. A key stays in the lock. You know where the key will be at all times. Enough said.

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2. MOOD LIGHTING

If there was ever a candidate for the most superfluous car accessory then customisable mood lighting would be it. Yes, colour-changing LEDS are quite nice within the boozy confines of a trendy vodka bar, but do we really need them sunk into the roofs and footwells of our cars? Do people really toggle that little control switch and watch in awe as their shoes change from purple to yellow to red? I highly doubt it.

3. BUILT-IN AIR FRESHENERS

 Every second manufacturer seems to be building this ubiquitous gimmick into their cars’ ventilation systems. When they work - and they seldom do in my experience - they fill the cabin with a sickly sweet stench that will push those with a predisposition for motion sickness straight over the edge. Factor in the relatively high cost of replacing the little (read not long lasting) liquid fragrance capsules and you’re better off keeping a can of deodorant in the glovebox.

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4. ARTIFICIAL ENGINE NOISE

When I was a kid my dad owned a Ford Sierra. It didn’t sound very racy, so he used to find an empty AM radio frequency and turn up the volume. The electrical interference of the engine then caused a static roar to blast through the speakers that created the illusion we were travelling inside a racing car. Turns out he was quite an innovator because nowadays many manufacturers are piping fake engine noises through their cars’ sound systems. BMW. Renault. VW. The list goes on. Nice if you’re a kid but it all seems rather ridiculous if you’re an adult. Why can’t we have the real deal?

5. PARALLEL PARKING ASSIST

In 1969 Neil Armstrong manually landed the Apollo 11 lunar model on the surface of the moon. Yet in 2015 thousands of people can’t parallel park without the help of expensive sensors and microchips that automatically steer your car towards that curbside gap. Seriously, if you can’t squeeze a Mercedes A-Class between two stationary objects then you shouldn’t be allowed to drive. Period.

6. G-FORCE METERS

On a good day, you could maybe half justify having a g-force meter in a Nissan GT-R. But having one built into an 85kW Juke is utterly absurd. “Hey honey, guess what? I pulled 0.43Gs on the way back from dropping the kids off,” said no stay-at-home housewife ever. Seriously guys, leave this one for the fighter pilots and astronauts.

7. HEAD-UP DISPLAYS

I can understand the importance of the head-up display (HUD) if you’re upside down in a F-15 Strike Eagle busy dogfighting MiG-27s over the Persian Gulf.  Not so much if you’re stuck in a load shedding-induced traffic jam somewhere on Sandton Drive. Save your money, Ice Man, leave that options box unchecked and appreciate the time you have to look at your traditional analogue instrument cluster.

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8. CUSTOMISABLE STEERING MODES

Yet another strange technological gimmick: comfort mode feels laughably light while sport mode feels unrealistically stiff and artificial. So if things feel best in normal mode then why the need for any differentiation in the first place? Save your money, manufacturers, and just give us one good steering mode for all driving scenarios. Thanks.

9. FACEBOOK AND TWITTER APPS

Social media apps have no business being built into a car’s infotainment system. As it is people concentrate more on their phones than they do on driving. So adding yet another digital distraction to the commuting mix is like pouring fuel on the ADD fire.

10. HEATED STEERING WHEELS

This is a fantastic feature in a snowplow working the rustic backroads of subzero Alaska, but on the daily winter commute from Pretoria to Johannesburg it seems comically absurd. Especially if you’re driving a Jaguar XF, which already has electric seat warmers and a heater system that can melt an ice-cream cone in a matter of seconds. It’s high time we all manned up.