Sex Talk: Should I stop my tween from watching porn?

Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng answers your sex questions

Q: I just found out that my 10-year-old child has discovered pornography. Do I stop it or accept that this will be a part of their lives, inevitably?

Pornography is absolutely inappropriate for consumption by children. It would really be unfortunate if the very first "sex talk" with your child is after such an incident, and yet for many parents it is.

One of the problems with pornography is that children do not have the cognition that allows their brains to process what it is that they are viewing.

Their minds are incredibly impressionable and they do not always know how video production works, and that often what is in a four-minute clip may have taken several hours of filming and editing.

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They grow up with a false sense of what normal sexual expression and enjoyment is. In porn, the build-up to sex often leaves out many steps, including the fundamental one of consent for sexual activity, and women are often depicted as sultry and "asking for it".

So a child can form a lasting, harmful impression of what sex is and what is expected from a partner. Many forms of pornography also contain violence and the use of drugs and alcohol and these associations can be long-lasting and frankly dangerous.

Your child may be embarrassed and possibly fearful of the backlash that will follow as a result of the discovery of their behaviour.

It can be hard to maintain your composure, however it is best not to react in a way that will alienate your child and drive them to other sources (often peers or people whom you do not know or trust) for information or comfort.

It is important for parents and caregivers to know that regardless of how much they want to avoid the "sex talk" it is better to have sustained, age-appropriate discussions and open communication with their children throughout their development.

This is as basic as using anatomical names, for example vagina and penis, when discussing body parts. Once a child starts asking question, be honest; if you do not know the answer to a question, find out the appropriate information together.

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Many children are inquisitive about sex, partly because we avoid those conversations with them. They talk about sex all the time among their peers, and with mobile phones children are always one click away from inappropriate sexual content.

It is harder to warn children about pornography if you are going to take the approach of trying to scare them off sex and relationships in the hope that they do not choose to view pornography.

You need to guide them to know the differences between real-life relationships, cyber dating, phone sex and pornography, and how they should relate to these. It is most important to discuss issues around what consent for sexual activity is.

Your reaction to learning that your child is using porn is often informed by whether you have already had a discussion around relationships and sexual education.

• Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng (MBChB), sexual and reproductive health practice, DISA Clinic, 011-886-2286, visit safersex.co.za

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