Can a relationship really recover from an affair?

More than half the people in committed relationships cheat. A new book offers guidance to both parties on how to deal with betrayal

If even Beyoncé sings about infidelity as though she knows it inside out, ("You can taste the dishonesty/It's on your breath"), the authors of a new book about affairs could be right in suggesting it can happen to anyone.

But when you're in a good relationship it's hard to believe that more than 50% of men and women admit to having been unfaithful.

The authors of The Affair (subtitled "Recovery from illicit sex, lies and betrayal") take as their starting point the statement that most of us have either cheated or been cheated on at some point in our lives.

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They move beyond cliché to profile the types of cheaters and types of affairs out there, making a case that moving on from infidelity hinges to some extent on understanding these dynamics.

For example, the opportunistic cheater - in contrast to the narcissist, sexual predator and romance addict - knows his or her careless behaviour is wrong and is unlikely to be a serial cheater.

These categories are illuminated by personal stories from male and female cheaters, betrayed spouses and mistresses describing how and why they acted as they did.

These accounts of infidelity come across as remarkably mundane, and maybe that's the point. The allure of forbidden passion is an illusion when looked at in the cold light of reality.

Psychologist Sue Hickey and her co-author Philippa Sklaar have interviewed and counselled many people between them. On the book's jacket they admit to each having been cheated on and having flouted marriage vows.

A rational dissection of the elements, emotions and impact of affairs is difficult for someone reeling from the shock of betrayal.

Hickey and Sklaar hold the hand of the broken-hearted partner in their step-by-step recovery plan. Their aim is to offer a way to retain one's sanity and dignity in the midst of emotional chaos.

The writers say they believe that the hurt and rage that explode with the discovery of an affair could end a relationship, but also say that this does not inexorably spell the end of a marriage. They fly a banner for resurrecting trust and commitment.

Staying together will not work if the betrayed partner either becomes hostile or remains a victim

Hickey says, however, that staying together will not work if the betrayed partner either becomes hostile or remains a victim. "Staying because leaving is too intimidating is not really being committed to staying," she says.

The book takes the reader on a journey that starts with becoming clear-eyed about cheaters and affairs and moves on to healing.

Part two provides guidance on how to respond to an affair, with warnings about the pitfalls along the way and pointers on not demanding intimate details, trying to protect the children and the emotional and financial costs of tearing a family apart.

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Part three explores getting beyond the "catastrophe" to forgiveness, trust and communication. All easier said than done but not out of reach, as the authors have learnt.

Sklaar unravels the damage done by her own affairs. She writes of how she changed the pattern of her life in solitude and celibacy, a time in which she learnt to trust and respect herself.

The book encourages survivors to make a similar peace with themselves, and the final section is about finding solutions for healing. This includes a "Check Your Mate" quiz that Sklaar says she wishes she'd had before her marriages.

"I know what it feels like to feel alone, afraid and hopeless," she says. "I have learnt so much on my journey to healing that I wanted to share it."

Hickey says The Affair arose out of popular demand. "Women have asked for this book. They ask for it while saying that they understand that 'men are like that' - but the statistics tell us it is not just men.

Women are also suffering from a crisis of monogamy. As more and more women enter the workplace, as more women have access to the internet, they too are unable or unwilling to stay true to their marriage vows.

Quite simply, women are being provided with the same opportunities that were previously only available to men and unmarried women. It seems that opportunity is directly linked to infidelity."

The Affair is a surprising mix of handbook and storybook, without a fairy tale ending. As Beyoncé sings: "Ten times out of nine, I know you're lying / But nine times outta ten, I know you're trying / So I'm trying to be fair."

'The Affair' by Sue Hickey and Philippa Sklaar is published by MF Books (R230)

TYPES OF AFFAIRS

THE FLING

"She/he doesn't mean anything. It's you I love."

The fling is usually a short-term or even once-off sexual experience.

THE SEXUAL/LOVE AFFAIR

"I love her and I love you - and I don't know what to do."

These affairs usually last up to three years and during this time both parties seriously entertain the idea of replacing their existing partners for the affair partner.

THE "VIRTUAL" AFFAIR

Characterised by an absence of sex but including touching, kissing, flirting and inappropriate conversation. T he relationship is tagged as "innocent". The issue here is not how broadly one defines being faithful. Ask yourself how comfortable you would be on the other side of this coin.

- Source: 'The Affair'