The Johannesburg Metro Police are a funny bunch. Don't they make your day with their ingenious escapades as they bring our road offenders to justice? They always bring a smile to my face when I spot them. This is normally not an easy task, because as we know, public service is an elusive concept.I take pleasure in driving long distances - at some point during a trip with my family, silence takes over and calms everything down. I then cue my brain cells and hypothesise about issues of national importance - for example, wondering what beauty regimen Blade Nzimande follows.story_article_left1I also enjoy alerting my brethren to the scourge of impromptu speed traps by flicking my high beams - the universal sign for coppers ahead.I greatly enjoy the thumbs-up signs from the many white people in SUVs speeding in the opposite direction. This is my way of bringing the nation together. I believe this is a much better form of social cohesion than those Castle Lager ads with proportionately represented races laughing gleefully around a braai.Anyone who has been to a braai knows very well there is only one braai master - and that gentlemen is left to tend to the meat. Getting the meat just right is a demanding task, and you can't be entertaining other people while you're at it.But back to the metro cops. They're a funny bunch. I wonder what goes through their heads when they spring out of the bushes, armed with cameras and white gloves. The thrill of startling someone who is operating a large metal contraption hurtling towards you at 170km/h must be exhilarating.I'm picturing the officers sitting there, in the depths of a thorny bush, nursing a tub of KFC, with Tamia's Careless Whisper on the stereo. Upon spotting three digits on their cameras they spring into action like so many ninjas. Is it only me, or doesn't that seem a tad dangerous?If I were a cop I'd employ more drastic measures.One: I would ditch those tight pants for a pair of jeans and a golf shirt, and cultivate a "German cut" hairstyle plus a captivating moustache to complement the outfit.Two: I would insist on wearing a helmet and huge sunglasses - because looking like a fly helpfully signals that you bring the shit.Three: I would offer a mobile toilet service for a nominal fee.Four: I would stop everyone driving Tata Indicas and charge them with poor decision-making.Five: I would arrest everyone playing the song Koze Kuse on the radio.But I would never hack it as a traffic cop. It seems too demanding. I lack the immense flexibility to spring into view out of nowhere, or the animalistic instinct to inhabit thorn bushes. No wonder they hand out those fines with such pride and flair. I'd also get a kick out of signing autographs all day...