What do we call the man-made version of meat?

28 August 2016 - 02:00 By SUE DE GROOT

If vegetarians eat vegetables and carnivores eat meat, then what do we call those who eat meat substitutes grown in laboratories? The word "vegetarian" became popular in 1847 when the first Vegetarian Society was founded in Manchester, UK (according to Wikipedia). "Carnivore", used by the French in the 16th century (they pronounce the last syllable like the roar of a lion), was adopted by the English in 1839.So what is a person who eschews dead animals but eats lab-grown meat (most of which requires animal tissue in order to get the process started)?A labivore, perhaps?Second question: Why does the idea of eating artificial flesh make us more squeamish than the thought of gobbling up another sentient being?Even more vexing is the question of what we call the man-made version of meat.story_article_left1So far, the meat-like substance grown in petri dishes is referred to by scientists as "cultured meat", "synthetic meat", "cell-cultured meat" or "in vitro meat", none of which is fit for human consumption, if you ask me.There was brief enthusiasm for the term "shmeat", a combination of sheet and meat (implying that the stuff could be bought in rolled sheets, like pastry, and cut into steak or sausage shapes according to demand)."Shmeat" was coined by Dr Vladimir Mironov, a biologist at the Medical University of South Carolina involved in the production of shmeat.He planned to have a public tasting but was suspended by the university before this could happen, so now we will never know if his shmeat is as good as his shtick.Those in the business of making meat substitutes are notoriously bad at coming up with appetising names for their products. "Quorn", named after a village in Leicestershire, UK, is a disgusting invention made from mycoprotein, which comes from a fungus.It is grown by means of fermentation and is mixed with egg albumen to bind it, after which it is dried and pressed into moulds to create items supposed to appeal to meat-eaters.For some reason, quorn has not been a smash hit. Perhaps because it tastes like that colloquial word sometimes tacked on to the name of a male animal made of beef.We'd be hard-pressed to find a substitute for beef in language. Just this week I read these news headlines: "Drake squashes Eminem beef rumours by bringing out Shady at his gig" and "Has Pearl Thusi settled her beef with Trevor Noah?""Beef" in this sense comes from the late 1800s, when US soldiers would complain about the quantity or quality of beef rations.story_article_right2So says the faithful Online Etymology Dictionary, although there is a competing theory that claims it comes from 18th-century slang, when the expression "cry hot beef" meant to make a big fuss about something.Eminem and Thusi were not the only ones with beeves. I also spotted these headlines: "University of Limpopo security beefed up after student shot" and "Gang of bulls beef up reign of terror in town" (the latter was a questionable story about a bull that had recruited two bovine accomplices in its horned vendetta against humans)."Beef up" comes from student slang in the 1850s, when it meant to strengthen or to add muscle power.But back to fake meat, which could do with some beefing up and with which many people have a beef.In 2008, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals announced a $1-million prize for the creation of affordable, humane, and commercially viable test-tube meat, later qualified as "in vitro chicken".As far as I can discover, no one has yet met the criteria. Once they do, there really should be a second competition with a huge prize (meatless meat for life?) offered to the person who can come up with a name that makes one actually want to buy the stuff...

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