If you don’t have a nickname, you’re doing something wrong

09 October 2016 - 02:01 By NDUMISO NGCOBO

This past Saturday was the MTN8 final between PSL league champions Mamelodi Sundowns and Bidvest Wits. During the game I discovered that football fans have bestowed upon "The Students" a new nickname: "#FeesMustFall". South African fans have outdone themselves yet again. I love it!This country's footie fans have a long, splendid history of coming up with the most creative nicknames for football clubs, players and coaches.Think about Manchester United - a club with an illustrious history that is called The Red Devils only because of their red kit. Meh. Compare that with Orlando Pirates' epithet since the 1930s, "EzikaMagebhula".story_article_left1This is after the founder of the club, James "Magebhula" Mpanza, the first black racehorse owner and first black founder of a civic movement in this country.He was also the first black land grabber after the 1913 Land Act, a land grab that led to the founding of Soweto. This is why the full appellation for Pirates is "EzikaMagebhula owagebhula umhlaba kamasipala" (Magebhula's boys who plundered municipal land).It is an awe-inspiring moniker that strikes the fear of God into opposing teams. Again, contrast this with England's Wolverhampton Wanderers, "The Wolves", or Westham FC, who are known as "The Hammers". Can you spell "ho hum"?The same goes for the nicknames we give to our players. Jomo Sono was actually christened Ephraim Matsilele Sono. He was named "Jomo" by a fan who likened his fiery spirit on the pitch to Kenya's first post-independence president, Jomo "The Burning Spear" Kenyatta. The name stuck like lint on a suede jacket.I cannot think of a greater honour than having people around you pay so much attention to your demeanour, antics or even appearance that they confer a moniker on you.Conversely, I can't think of anything more demeaning than to go through life without ever being given a nickname. That's a subtle message to the effect that you have made absolutely no impact in anyone's life.The Almighty, in Her infinite wisdom, deemed it fit to perch my podgy frame and humungous boulder of a cranium atop the thinnest matchsticks for legs you've ever seen. So when I was called "Lollipop" and "Ten Over One" during my school days, I understood.block_quotes_start The worst thing you can be is an anal-retentive type; that opens you up to nicknames only whispered behind your back. Those are usually quite brutal block_quotes_endThere's a clause in the Guy Code that makes it compulsory for your friends to impart upon you an unofficial handle. If they don't give you a nickname, they're probably not your friends.And this is how it came to pass that one of my best friends, Maswazi, goes by two monikers: "The Dark Lord" (on account of his complexion and "Mcwayizeni" (The Blinking One) due to a facial tic that makes his blink about 73% more than the average person.Another friend of mine was involved in a car accident that left him with head wounds during my high school days. He had to walk around with bandages wrapped around his skull that made him look like he was wearing the Muslim male headgear, the taqiyah. If you think pubescent boys would be sensitive to someone's injuries, then you do not know boys. We promptly called him "Sgqokosendiya" (Indian's Hat).story_article_right2The worst thing you can be is an anal-retentive type; that opens you up to nicknames only whispered behind your back. Those are usually quite brutal. In his brilliant memoir Touch My Blood, Fred Khumalo refers to one of his high school teachers. Due to his bulging gluteus maximus muscles, his students referred to him as "Jeqe" (Steamed Bread).Another high school friend only discovered this year, a quarter of a century later, that the girls in high school used to call him "Ubusuku" (Night Time) due to his dark complexion.One Sunday afternoon at Inkamana High, my friend Mzinyane and I walked all the way to the convent to call our folks. We'd run out of money mid-term, see. The convent receptionist, Sister Eve, told us we couldn't use the phone because the nuns were having some kind of lekgotla. I like to believe they were busy with a conference call to Mother Teresa of Kolkata.As we walk away from the convent, Mzinyane remarked demurely, "Nx. Waze wangicika uSbhamu" (I'm so annoyed with Pistol right now.)It took me about 10 seconds to understand what he was talking about. I can be very slow on the uptake when I'm hungry. And then it hit me: Sister Eve had lost three fingers in a sowing accident some years before and only had a thumb and an index finger on one hand.I shouldn't have laughed but I did. From that day onwards, she became Sister Sbhamu. I don't think she ever found out about it. Until now, if she's still alive.What nicknames have you been given? Did you embrace them? To this day I wonder if I should call one of my former bosses who was prone to rambling, directionless soliloquys. We called him Solly behind his back.E-mail lifestyle@sundaytimes.co.za or follow him on Twitter @NdumisoNgcobo..

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