How to stop abuse of women? Recruit a fictional sex object to help

Rebecca Davis puts on her superhero cape and tackles the UN’s empowerment wing on their choice of Wonder Woman as their newest ambassador

For centuries, capable women have asked: "What the hell do I have to do to get the global recognition granted to many extremely mediocre men?"

That riddle has now been definitively answered. Women need to wear only one outfit at all times: a constrictive red corset exposing ample cleavage, paired with skintight blue knickers and thigh-high red boots.

They must be Caucasian, with a mane of blue-black hair, big azure eyes and pouty red lips continuously parted. Oh - and they also need to exist solely in the feverish fantasies of teenage boys.

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That's according to the UN, the organisation responsible for world peace and development. The UN recently announced that its new ambassador for the empowerment of women and girls will be ... Wonder Woman. At a ceremony attended by outgoing UN head Ban Ki-moon on Friday, the comic book character received her official designation.

Let's pause for a second to spare a thought for Mr Ban. He's a dignified elderly statesman. He's busy. He's trying to stop the world going to hell in a handbasket every day of his life. His to-do list is a litany of horror: Syria, Yemen, Haiti, global warming.

But he had to put that all on hold to stand on stage on Friday and pretend to shake hands with a scantily clad hologram. It's a bit like when Nelson Mandela had to meet the Spice Girls, except that - with the exception of Posh - the Spice Girls are largely accepted as being real humans.

Maybe this was the UN's idea of a consolation prize for Ban, since he stated earlier this year in no uncertain terms that his successor at the UN should be a woman. In a shocking twist, his successor is not a woman. Perhaps the UN marketing people thought the appointment of Wonder Woman would cheer him up.

"Shame," they might have said. "Poor old dude. Let's show him that we really do care about female empowerment." Then the head-scratching would have begun. "Who is an empowering woman?" they would have agonised. Several hours and much mind-mapping later: "Nope. Can't think of any with a functioning central nervous system. Let's go with a drawing."

This is not the first time that the UN has turned to the realm of fiction to select ambassadors. Tinkerbell was named Ambassador of Green in 2009, even though the phrase "green fairy" refers to a hallucinogenic alcohol rather than an environmental godmother.

Winnie the Pooh got the nod as Ambassador of Friendship in 1998. This is a decision that puts Bob Dylan's Nobel Prize for literature in the shade, if you consider how shabbily Mr Pooh treated the Heffalumps.

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The UN's flesh-and-blood ambassadors have sometimes not been much improvement. Often they seem to be selected at random from the pages of YOU magazine. Word to UN HQ: just because Angelina Jolie has a family which photographs like a meeting of the Junior UN Security Council, this does not technically qualify her to negotiate migration policy on behalf of humanity.

Most perplexing of all UN appointments has been their "goodwill ambassadors". It sounds a bit like receiving the Miss Congeniality sash at a beauty pageant, and there is little evidence that the requirements are any more onerous. By the end of UN secretary-general Kofi Anan's tenure in 2006, there were more than 400 goodwill ambassadors.

That's twice the number of countries in the world. Unstable African nations must have had to double up on celebrities elbowing each other out of the way for photo-ops with orphans. Avoiding having a UN goodwill ambassador inflicted on you is one of the strongest arguments for good governance on the continent.

Even if you are doing a reasonable job of ticking along as a country, though, there's no guarantee that the UN won't still send a celebrity your way. Earlier this year, the organisation forced singer Christina Aguilera on Rwanda. People magazine subsequently ran a poignant piece on Aguilera's "emotional" journey.

"This trip came at a time when I really needed to step away and connect with bigger issues in the world," Aguilera gushed.

Lovely for you, Christina, but couldn't you have done it by opening up a newspaper like the rest of us? "I had to come to terms with a little guilt even for coming home," she continued, as if part of her genuinely considered shacking up in Kigali.

But don't rest too easily, Rwandans: "I know I will go back," she concluded ominously.

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Viewed from this perspective, maybe we shouldn't be too cynical about Wonder Woman's ambassadorship.

We could be getting former Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell, who has been tasked by the UN with everything from halting the spread of HIV/Aids in sub-Saharan Africa to militating for women's rights in Nepal.

Halliwell modestly took credit for stemming the tide of abuse of Nepalese women after her visit there in 2009.

"My presence apparently gave the confidence for that new prime minister to speak out about violence against women because there was a Western presence there," she explained. At least Wonder Woman can't talk.

The idea behind Wonder Woman's appointment, it appears, is to unleash the character on social media to "promote messages on gender-based violence". As Wonder Woman is herself somewhat violent, she may face accusations of hypocrisy.

And as any real-life woman can tell you, a few days of tweets from Neanderthals telling Wonder Woman to show us her tits may see her hang up her cape for good.