Is cash the best Christmas gift?

18 December 2016 - 02:00 By Ndumiso Ngcobo
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Ndumiso Ngcobo
Ndumiso Ngcobo
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Smugly, they saunter through the mall like the billionaires they are. Their pants hang low, sagging from the sheer weight of the gold in their pockets.

Where to start? Incredible Connection? Dion Wired? Hi-Fi Corporation? Game?

The author of this column makes a timid suggestion that perhaps they should consider checking out the independent gamers' speciality shop for some bargains, and the 12-year-old Patrice Motsepe shrugs: "Sure, we can check it out, but it's not really necessary seeing as we've got cash for days!"

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This scene went down about a week ago in a mall. The identity of the Patrice-and-Atul duo? My 12- and nine-year-olds. The source of their loot? Cash gifts from their combined birthday party.

Mrs N and I had given them the Sony PS4 console that they'd been bugging us about since Nhlanhla Nene was in charge of the country's purse and Kanye West still had possession of his marbles. With the R2,000-apiece cash gifts they'd received, they were on the hunt for a second PS4 controller, 1 and "maybe a few other games".

What made this shopping trip different is that they weren't wearing their "please, Daddy!" looks because this was their cash. And they weren't taking shit about "save some for later". To quote gang bangers from South Central LA, "dey wuz ballin'".

For the benefit of the offspringless, this is the latest craze among boys that age. Wasting precious time walking from Reggies to ToysRUs to Game searching for a birthday present for some kid called Nathaniel with a droopy eyelid is so 2013. With them, cash is king.

I think it's time the rest of us got on this pragmatic bus.

Everyone who's ever shopped for a present knows the feeling. You enter the mall with a R500 limit in your head. But all the potential gifts cheaper than R500 scream "unrepentant cheapskate". And they are significantly cheaper than R500, at about R299.95. You know, a floral bowtie, a hanky set or coloured, scented candles: the sort of gift you re-wrap and give to someone else as a Mother's Day or Father's Day present next May or June.

If your limit is R500 there's never anything good in the R449.95 to R499.95 sweet spot. As you stumble out of the mall with the decent R799.95 present, you're cursing under your breath like a Catholic who dropped a R100 note in the collection plate during Holy Mass because that was the lowest denomination he had in his wallet.

There isn't a single person reading this who doesn't have a "Rubbish Presents" box in their garage, next to the box filled with VHS tapes just in case the '80s come a-knocking, bearing the VCR.

Why don't we discard this archaic practice of purchasing actual gifts and just throw currency in black refuse bags at each other like our politicians? What is this retarded Victorian sensibility about cash gifts being thoughtless and crass and indicative of poor breeding and lack of effort and and?    

block_quotes_start Are you planning to give me a Christmas present? Yes? I desire only one gift: cold, hard cash block_quotes_end

I've booked a return flight to East London and a hotel room for two nights and hired a car from Budget so that I can drive 138km to some village in the buttcrack of the Eastern Cape to be present at your wedding - but because I give you cash, I haven't made an effort?

I told the missus that I was writing this column and she insisted that I tell everyone that I speak only for myself.

But in the aftermath of the second leg of our wedding, during which the folks bankrupted us by insisting on the slaughter of two bovine creatures that we hadn't budgeted for, I found myself sitting alone in the house with an ATM slip. I was about R3,000 overdrawn . In simple terms, I had hit rock bottom, drilled through that and was now gnawing my way beyond that like a post-apocalyptic mole rat with titanium dentures.

A lazy tear rolled down my cheek and landed on a toaster, one third of a trio of toasters that our loving guests had bought for us despite the fact that we didn't have a toaster on our registry. I remember looking at the toasters and wondering how much I could get for them at Cash Crusaders. Insanity prevailed and we kept them.

My only consolation is that in the year 2047 the value of toasters will escalate to R10-million, and we will put our trio in the will as family heirlooms.

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'Tis the season to be jolly, motherlessly drunk and to pretend that our respective salaries are in the Whitey Basson ballpark. We "owe" each other presents.

If you're fortunate enough to read this before subjecting yourself to the needless torture of spending the whole day searching for "the perfect gift", stop right now. Nobody wants your basket of eats with a high GI coefficient and shiny trinkets. They'll smile, summon up fake tears of joy and embrace you while internally going, "I could have used the R300 spent on this diabetes trap of mini Bar Ones on a chicken drumstick mega pack for Christmas lunch."

Maybe I'm projecting because I'm broke, but just in case it's not clear: are you planning to give me a Christmas present? Yes? I desire only one gift: cold, hard cash. If you don't do cash like the guests at Connie Corleone's wedding in The Godfather, I accept e-wallet, EFT, direct deposits into my account, e-Bucks, Greenbucks and food coupons ... in that order.

And don't harbour any delusions about me putting the cash to good use. I'll have you know now that I'll break it into R20 notes and blow all of it on lap dances at The Summit strip club on Claim Street.

Did you just say "What about the Christmas spirit?" Allow me to let you in on a little secret: in the aftermath of the very first Christmas, Mary and Joseph were watching baby Jesus sleeping in the manger. Mary looked at the gifts of the three wise kings and sighed: "At least we can get a few denarii for the gold, and purchase a Snugfit Graco for the donkey seat. But what's up with the other two bearded guys and their incense and myrrh? They must be from Uzbekistan."

Follow the author of this article, Ndumiso Ngcobo, on Twitter: @NdumisoNgcobo.

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