There's a good reason some parents call their kid Blue Ivy

22 January 2017 - 02:00 By JESSICA EVANS
subscribe Just R20 for the first month. Support independent journalism by subscribing to our digital news package.
Subscribe now
The conch
The conch
Image: Supplied

I have heard, throughout my lifetime, of the numerous and inevitable tribulations that come with having a rare name.

Tribulations such as frequent and horrendous mispronunciation, having to settle for a ridiculously shortened or irrelevant nickname, as well as never finding your name on a mug, candle or keyring. I am certain many a Persephone and Thamsanqa can attest to this.

But a far less well-documented curse is that of the common name. Yes, we can find our names in any merch shop (if they aren't sold out) and yes, mispronunciations are non-existent, but us Janes, us Johns, and us Jessicas, Sarahs, Megans, Kyles and Dylans have our own crosses to bear.

story_article_left1

We are almost always guaranteed a spot on the top-10 lists that circulate on Facebook of who will get pregnant in 201X, who the craziest women are, or who is most addicted to wine. These defamatory lists plaster our Facebook walls and our friends just love trolling us about them.

Speaking of social media, when meeting new people who want to follow you, or send you a friend request, you are faced with the awkward task of looking at their screen over their shoulder while they sift through the abundance of Jessica Evanses in an effort to find you.

While this happens you may even hear the flabbergasted exclamation, "Is that you?!" when someone who has your hair colour or complexion (but is far less attractive) appears in the list of namesakes.

Another plague that comes with a generic name is the innumerable amount of namesakes you have. My own boyfriend's ex shares a name with me, for goodness' sake.

Everybody I know knows at least three Jessicas. At this moment I can count seven Jessicas, three Shannons, and five Megans, or a variation thereof, who I know. With a generic name, sometimes you feel, well, generic.

story_article_right2

In addition to all of this, finding an e-mail address that isn't taken is a monumental task, particularly when you have a somewhat common surname.

After spending the better part of 30 minutes inventing numerous and variable e-mail addresses with differing combinations of numbers, my name, and my surname, only to be disappointed with that "This e-mail address is already taken, try again" notice, my first e-mail address ended up as Jessica followed by six digits - SIX DIGITS.

It really isn't too bad until you feel embarrassed when you need to give it to somebody and you have to use the precursor, "Don't judge me, there are a million Jessicas on Gmail," so as to avoid the side-eye awarded to a suspected online weirdo.

These burdens may pale in comparison with those of people with rare names when it comes to horrendousness, but they are inescapable and we face them every day.

We are in this together, us generics and those of you with uncommon names. So when I wake up tomorrow, knowing I will find my name on a slanderous list somewhere on social media, I will think of you, who will undoubtedly face a sickening mispronunciation. Strength.

subscribe Just R20 for the first month. Support independent journalism by subscribing to our digital news package.
Subscribe now