South Africans would award a prize to fish for swimming

It is heartening to see that South Africans who have never paid any attention to how the country is governed have suddenly woken up. This is a good thing, whichever side of the political divide you find yourself on.

The two decades of apathy that preceded this made for a dangerous period for democracy. Giving unchecked power to any government is like giving a bunch of five-year-olds a box of matches and locking them in a diesel warehouse.

It is fascinating that this new-found interest in politics (for many) seems to be manifesting around things falling, whether it is Rhodes, fees or Zuma - and there doesn't seem to be any coherent plan to pick any of it up afterwards.

After Zuma falls, are we ready to deal with Nkosazana's insomnia-busting speeches? Or Cyril riding bareback on a buffalo, yelling "Yeehah!" while taking "concomitant action" at the first sign of trouble?

story_article_left1

I get the sense that, as a nation, we have descended into a state of constant melancholy. Whether the source is our rampant poverty, our high Gini coefficient, our junk status or Gwede flip-flopping like an invertebrate sliding down a slippery rock, a palpable cloud of despondency seems to have settled on us. Especially the chattering classes.

While awaiting the Resurrection over the Easter weekend, a few of the savages I consort with gathered at a friend's place to participate in a feast of goat meat (Zulus have these uncontrollable urges to dispatch the souls of goats to the world of the ancestors at the slightest provocation).

When the gin and tonic had lubricated us just right, the conversation turned decidedly morose. Because I'm an eternal optimist who thrives on light-heartedness, I tried hard to lift everyone's spirits. I failed miserably. One fellow even pointed out that we seem to be terrible at everything in this country, whether it is our mathematics world ranking, Springbok rugby or Bafana Bafana football.

It was only later that a light bulb went on in my gin-soaked brain and I knew the comeback I should have thrown at him: South Africa has to be the global capital of award ceremonies!

I bet you can think of at least two award ceremonies that took place last week or will take place this week. I think this is a good thing. A great thing. We must be a nation of achievers - otherwise why would we give each other so many awards?

There are so many of these things that I gave up on deciphering the acronyms: Samas, Saftas, Satmas, Kakstas. This is wonderful!

For every sphere of activity in this country we have an award ceremony - financial , sports, literature, fine art, music, television . And if you don't win ? You simply find funders and start your own awards and dish them out to those you like. I call this progressive entrepreneurship.

I was delighted to hear that our brand-new Minister of Police, Fikile "Razzmatazz" Mbalula, would be tackling the expansive paunches of our police officers. Razzmatazz is an aficionado of awards. Watch this space. I think we're in for a treat once he initiates the South African Police Service Awards.

And Razzmatazz doesn't do anything in half measures. I bet he'll convince Sting to revive The Police so they can perform. I bet there'll be a Biggest Loser award for the police officer who loses the most weight.

There'll probably be a Fight Fire With Fire award, to be given to the copper with the highest body count, minus the few stray bullets that end up in colleagues' backs.

I'm also excited that the PSL persists with the Lesley Manyathela Golden Boot award, which is named after the late prolific scorer who, after three seasons in top-flight football, had amassed an incredible 48 career goals.

A less ambitious league might have scrapped the award completely, considering that year after year it is won by guys with tallies of between 13 and 15. Never mind the fact that the top 10 goal-scorers combined generally fall short of Messi or Ronaldo's season tally. But we put on expensive suits and enjoy a sumptuous meal in honour of these sharpshooters.

story_article_right2

This is why I have decided to start my own awards ceremony. It will be held in late December, after all other award ceremonies for the year have been held.

I scoured the internet for an appropriately African name that hadn't been taken. Alas, there are already Ubuntu awards, Baobab awards etcetera. So I have settled on the Sons and Daughters of the Soil awards.

They will be given to South Africa' s best awards ceremonies. Categories will include best awards show décor, best acceptance speech, best ceremony and so on.

Just to keep it interesting, I will also have a prize for the Narcissist of the Year. I predict that two of the finalists will be Jomo Sono and the president, based on the number of times they refer to themselves in the third person.

But the award will go to Hlaudi Motsoeneng.

• Follow the author of this article, Ndumiso Ngcobo, on Twitter: @NdumisoNgcobo.