C'mon dads! Give us cause to celebrate

One of the best possible gifts for any man who has ever spent more than a night and day alone with an infant is to be told that he is a good father.

As for how one measures good fathering, when the bar for men is set so low, is another matter. Be that as it may, for any person to have grown up feeling wanted by her father, and having him there for her in spite of the struggles, must be an experience worth more than its weight in gold.

And "being there" does not only mean a father who financially supports you but one who is also emotionally present. "Being there" involves being the person who answers questions like "Dad, why don't they want to play with me?"

This is what Father's Day is supposed to celebrate: the work that men put in to improve the lives of their children, and the part they play in making a family.

Unfortunately, this utopian concept of fatherhood will not be the common experience for the majority of children in South Africa.

Instead of having a happy father in a loving family, most children, women, and communities in the country today will experience murder, sexual violence, abuse and neglect.

Men are not only failing to do their bit as positive fathers, they are also causing great pain to others and, of course, to themselves.

Most men who have fathered children also grew up without adequate fathering - and the vicious cycle continues.

These are the real circumstances in which we are meant to share gifts like a gown for dad and breakfast in bed on Father's Day.

Without any exaggeration, perhaps the most troubling feature of South African life is the violence that permeates our lives. Although women can be violent against other women, men and children, it is the violence committed by men that is brought to mind by a day like Father's Day.

Men's violence comes in a variety of intertwined forms. It is not only direct, fiery or bruising violence. It is as often indirect, symbolic and can leave no visible marks. But all of it is cut from the same cloth.

The best gift is to be told that they are good fathers because they kissed the bruises away instead of causing them

The violence that characterises our lives, manifested in burning school buildings, in rape, in homophobic, sexist or racist insults, or in colonial statues, is most often due to acts of commission or omission by men.

There is also the chronic and structural violence of poverty and economic inequality engendered by policies that favour capital over labour, whites over blacks, men over women, public officeholders over the voters, and managers over workers - that is violence in another form.

Men perpetrate much of this violence. More often they are just complicit, pretending it has nothing to do with them personally.

Sometimes a man is directly involved by inflicting punishment on his children, belittling his partner, or simply abandoning the family. Sometimes the man's role is as a politician, bureaucrat, business owner or manager who drafts unfair policies.

While a physical slap in the face may look different to the policy that supports a gender pay gap, they are both often underpinned by the same neoliberal, patriarchal understanding of society.

The consequences of violence are also diverse. They range from death to the constant fear of victimisation that characterises many women's lives. The high walls and expensive security systems behind which many South Africans live are another consequence.

A significant proportion of South Africans also live with the daily hunger that is spawned by neoliberal policies that feed poverty and inequality.

Instead of celebrating Father's Day in the usual ways, then, how about dedicating the day to reflection upon those killed, violated, abandoned, and abused by their fathers?

However, as reflection without action is so much hot air, those men who are committed to nonviolence and nurturing children should mark the day by spreading the message that until we overcome the male violence that characterises our society, Father's Day is just another day to sell us stuff.

It sounds mushy, certainly, but if we can persuade men that the best gift is to be told that they are good fathers because they did the clinic visits and nappy changes, because they read to their children at night and kissed the bruises away instead of causing them, then we will have something to celebrate on Father's Day.

Ratele is professor at the Institute for Social and Health Sciences at Unisa and a researcher in the Violence, Injury and Peace Research Unit at the Medical Research Council. Botha is a commissioner at the Commission on Gender Equality