The matric dance marks an important rite of passage for our children. After 12 years of school, they deserve to let their hair down. They deserve reward for their achievements so far, and encouragement for the challenges that lie ahead.There are, however, several reasons to be concerned about the message we send our children - particularly teenage girls - when we foot the bill for increasingly extravagant dresses and photoshoots to mark the occasion.Not least of these is our children's self-esteem. At a time when teenagers are especially sensitive about their image, we are encouraging them to measure their worth by their looks and their possessions.Studies have shown that children who receive material rewards are more likely to define success in terms of possessions and consumption. In turn, adults who measure themselves in this way are more likely to suffer problems like debt, addiction, impulsiveness, stress and poor relationships.These are especially problematic outcomes in a country like South Africa, where most parents and children cannot possibly hope to compete in such displays of consumption. Our unemployment rate runs to more than 36% and we have the highest measure of inequality in the world.Measuring themselves by their possessions will not help our children navigate their path nearly so well as developing the skills they need to connect with, and care about, their fellow citizens.A matric dance with an expensive dress and accoutrements - even if they cost more than the minimum annual wage of a domestic worker - does not of itself lead to all manner of social ills. But we must make sure our children understand that the trappings of wealth are not a substitute for the intrinsic value of being a good citizen...