Who's in charge? How to not ruin your child

Linda Blair has advice for parents on facing down their kids’ pester power.

With Christmas only two weeks away, many parents will be wondering about how best to deal with pester power. What exactly is meant by this term, and what is the best way to handle it?

Pester power is a child's ability to pressure carers into giving or buying them something they want by continually asking for it until they get it.

The first thing to notice about that definition is that it implies that the child is in charge. But that will only be true if you allow it to be so. Here's what happens if you give in to your child's demands, especially after you've tried hard to resist.

In the short term, children will feel satisfied, even delighted. In the longer term, however, they will become more demanding, more quickly dissatisfied and more persistent whenever their demands aren't met. Why?

To answer this, we need to turn to the laws of behavioural psychology. These were described best by the US psychologist BF Skinner over 50 years ago. He noticed that animals learn particularly quickly if they're rewarded each time they perform a specific behaviour.

Once they become competent, then if the reward is withheld, the creature is likely to continue repeating that behaviour - usually more often than before - for a short time. However, if no more rewards are forthcoming, they stop demonstrating that behaviour altogether.

On the other hand, if a creature learns something and is then rewarded only occasionally, rather than every time they perform it, they'll continue repeating that behaviour for much, much longer - almost as if trying to figure out the pattern of reward.

Applying this principle to pester power, you can now understand why children keep begging for something relentlessly if in the past you've given in to their persistence. Their behaviour, they've learnt, works - as long as they keep at you for long enough.

The only way, therefore, to stop them pestering you is to resolve never to give in when they're pleading with you. In the meantime, what else can you do?

First, try to anticipate the temptations your child may face so you can distract him or her. For example, if you're taking a young child to the supermarket, bring along some healthy snacks, so you can offer a "better" treat if the sugary foods on display grab the child's attention.

You might give older children some tasks - finding some of the items on your shopping list or helping put the groceries into bags - so they don't become bored and start to look for a quick-fix treat to overcome their discomfort.

You might also consider giving them a small sum of money to spend during your shop, so they can learn to prioritise their wishes.

If, despite your efforts, children start nagging anyway, you must ignore their pleas and talk to them about something else instead. Finally, whenever they're behaving helpfully, reward them with your praise and loving attention so they will want to increase their positive behaviours.

— ©The Daily Telegraph, London