No kidding, parenting is a science, folks

31 July 2016 - 02:00 By TANYA FARBER

Genevieve Langenhoven gave birth to her four boys at home and they spent a "fourth trimester" in a sling on her body and slept in their parents' room until they were six or seven and wanted a room of their own. She never bought a cot or a chair to carry her babies around in. She breast-fed each baby until he weaned himself - a total of eleven and a half years of breast-feeding. "I thought I would breast-feed for six months and go back to work. But the minute my first son was born, an instinct kicked in," she says.She had to justify her choices to so many people that she started doing research. "Then I realised my parenting style had a name. It's called attachment parenting."Susan Gillis* says her approach is more that of a "tiger mom" - constantly pushing for "better results and more independence" in every aspect of life.story_article_left1"There is proof - if you mollycoddle your kids, you stunt their emotional growth," she says.A new study has revealed that most parents don't read up on the science. As a result, there are huge gaps between what parents think and what the experts say.Parents think parenting just comes naturally, but experts say it is an intricate set of skills you have to learn.Parents also think that how they take care of their kids in the years of middle childhood has the biggest impact.Think again, says the research: early childhood is by far the biggest factor that maps out their future potential.How parents themselves were raised is far less influential on their approach to parenting than they think, while the child's own personality is far more influential than they perceive it to be.Warren Cann of the Parenting Research Centre in Australia, which did the study, says: "We know that parenting is a skill learnt 'on the job', but public discussion on parenting assumed that 'parenting comes naturally'. This is one of many gaps between what the research says and what parents think."Nikki Bush, local co-author of Tech-Savvy Parenting, says the internet is a double-edged sword for parents trying to do the right thing."Parents have stopped following their intuition; they turn to the internet or social media for external advice."The advice itself is not the problem, but parents don't stop to filter the information."block_quotes_start Their children lose the opportunity to fully capitalise on this once-in-a-lifetime period of very fast brain growth - often with lifelong consequences block_quotes_endShe says that if you parent "solely out of your head and don't connect with your heart" or "your child's unique nature", you can miss the point.For Sonja Giese, executive director of early childhood development organisation Ilifa Labantwana, the gap between the public and expert opinion on age group is the most damaging.The period from conception to age five "is absolutely crucial in terms of laying the foundation for learning", she says, "because the brain is forming new neural connections at a rate of 1,000 per second.A three-year-old's brain is twice as active as an adult's. Clearly, the science tells us that infancy and early childhood are the most important time for receiving responsive and sensitive care."According to the report, "the public consistently 'age up' when thinking about parenting, defaulting to examples involving older children. Infants and younger children remain largely out of mind."full_story_image_hleft2By doing this, says Giese, "their children lose the opportunity to fully capitalise on this once-in-a-lifetime period of very fast brain growth - often with lifelong consequences".The science is convincing, but many parents are overwhelmed by the literature: Amazon sells more than 180,000 books on the topic, and, the report says, parents see child-rearing as a particularly competitive pursuit.Emily Willingham, co-author of The Informed Parent - which distils a lot of research into accessible information - recently blogged that "mommy wars are a thing - fuelled by never-ending antagonisms over parenting philosophies, from big-tent themes like tiger versus attachment parenting to finer-grained battles over circumcision, organic food, vaccines and discipline".She says these "tactics and expectations they raise" cause more harm than good and result in more "shame and more opportunities to judge other people". * Not her real namesub_head_start Competence before happiness? sub_head_endThe Australian researchers, and parenting expert Dr Robert Epstein, advise:• Don't assume it will all come naturally. Effective parenting requires specific skills in which you can train yourself;• Don't be too focused on 'raising a happy kid'. Focus on raising a competent kid - this will give them the tools to find happiness;• Early childhood - up to age five - is the most crucial period for long-term results;• Forget about how you were raised. Focus instead on your own approach and the skills required for it;• Physical affection and quality time are crucial;• Managing your own stress is as important as managing your child's stress; and• Your relationship with your partner has a big impact on your child. Focus on this, and seek help if there are problems.sub_head_start Which kind of parent are you? sub_head_endTIGER: Like Amy Chua, who wrote Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, you push your kids to do better and put in maximum effort. Leisure time is frowned upon.mini_story_image_hright1HELICOPTER: You hover over your children, controlling their every move.FREE-RANGE: You allow your kids to roam free, exploring the world with little supervision.ATTACHER: It's all about the physical and emotional bond. Kids sleep in your bed and are always in close contact with you.THE JONESES: The appearance of wealth is everything. Your kids must dress perfectly for every Mauritius holiday photo.OUTSOURCER: You focus on your career and hire an au pair, a driver, a cook and tutors.SNOW-PLOUGH: You remove obstacles or challenges - anything to make your children's journey easier.OGRE: You like to show the children who's boss, believing they should earn their stripes by becoming adults themselves. Until then, corporal punishment and intimidation are where it's at.ORGANIC: You search for organic food, cotton clothing that's ethically sourced, and petroleum-free bum cream.farbert@sundaytimes.co.za..

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