Going one way: Accentuating their assets
BBC entertainment brought us a new show last night, The Only Way Is Essex.
This sort-of reality show takes trashy TV to another level.
Listening to the Towie crew's accents is like learning a new language .
The show follows the lives of a group of friends who are so fake they might as well be wax statues at Madame Tussauds.
There's club promoter Mark and BFF James, aka Arg, a singer.
Their bromance is centred on talking about women, shopping, tanning and muscles.
During one of their shopping trips, Mark spends a vile amount of money on an ugly blazer.
Proving he is the epitome of bad taste, he says to Arg: "Looking nice costs money."
Mark has been in an on-and-off relationship with Lauren for nine years and during a chat with his sister, Jessica, he says about Lauren: "She's almost like a family member now. "Losing her, it's like losing a brother or sister. It's definitely not losing a dog, 'cause it only lasts nine, 10, 11 years."
Jessica, who is in a girl band, later says: "I've got nuffin' against Lauren. But your relationship is a joke."
Someone should tell that to Lauren, who recently had Mark's name tattooed above her vagina. Her friend Amy asks: "Is he going to get your name on his bits? It would be so cute. 'Lauren Forever' on his bum cheek."
Amy, a beautician, spends a lot of time talking about (and doing) the "vajazzle": gluing gems on lady bits.
Not even an English accent can lend this show class.
'The Only Way Is Essex' is on BBC Entertainment (channel 120) on Thursdays at 8.30pm