What irony that Orgasm Day comes but once a year

Today IS Global Orgasm Day, which is great because now, finally, after years and years of research and false information, we know how often we are supposed to orgasm - once a year.

That's right, none of that three times a week bollocks - an orgasm is officially an annual event. Of course, we can still have sex; we just don't have to orgasm. I'll admit it does seem a little infrequent but at least the pressure is off because orgasms can tire even the most robust among us.

I know a woman who will be extremely pleased. She's a friend (and no, it's not me) who made a terrible, life-changing mistake one night. She and her partner had been at it for some time when she realised she was missing a rather vital episode of Game of Thrones. Her partner was not really in a position to change tack.

He was hammering away at it, determined to ride her over the horizon to a new place of coital bliss. He had really pulled out all the stops from focused foreplay to cunnilingus; he had not taken a single short cut.

An effort like that is never disregarded, not even by the most mean-spirited woman. So, motivated by kindness and good manners, she faked an orgasm.

This in itself is not a terrible, life-changing mistake.

Lord no, faking orgasm is a useful, even crucial, element in a woman's sexual repertoire. No, the mistake was to throw in a spectacular leg spasm for good measure. After all, her partner had gone to so much effort; she felt a little something extra was required. And so their carnal coupling came to a flamboyant end. He was pleased with himself and she got to watch her show.

But that's not where it ended. You see, she had set a new standard for orgasm that she has to replicate every time they have sex. Even her most genuinely victorious orgasms are now met with disappointment by her partner if she doesn't do "the leg thing". Her sex life has turned into carefully orchestrated cabaret. To make matters worse, she's now married to the man and (if all goes well) is now condemned to a life of faked leg spasms.

I could write a litany of orgasm horror stories that include novice mistakes, like shouting the wrong name, to advanced cock-ups, like losing a sex toy in a moment of passion. Then there's the couple who got stuck together for days (it doesn't just happen to dogs) and every kind of disaster with those silver balls from Fifty Shades of Grey. But enough. I don't want to put you off for the next Global Orgasm Day.