It is boring sitting in petrol stations on stings and stakeouts, our security boykie in black intones to the camera, hunched down in his double-cab somewhere on the outskirts of heavily gated Fourways, Johannesburg.
You're not joking, bru.
It is probably almost as boring as it is watching the footage of your stakeout in this home-grown reality series Night Guard. The whole series has been pretty disappointing so far. I haven't seen much of the violence and danger I was promised, and as a resident of Johannesburg with a monthly debit order for street guard patrols, a reaction unit and alarm, I know it is definitely out there.
"South Africa is treacherous - we are contracted by clients to look after things the police can't do," a night guard tells us in a hypberbolic promo, over a music bed with a strong hint of duelling banjos and just a touch of rock riff.
In the main, it seems, what the police can't do is run. In Night Guard they are mainly glimpsed waddling aimlessly with their hands on their holsters.
The men of the Night Guard security company appear to be doing most of the running as well as the heavy lifting.
They also do a lot of confused chasing, jumping, climbing and handcuffing of hapless, rather pathetic criminals on their night patrols in the northern suburbs.
When they are not engaged in all these Bear Grylls-type activities for "the clients", doing handbrake turns or pranking each other with pepper spray back at the office, our intrepid reaction unit also does a lot of braaing at the family bush lodge in the Waterberg, where they extol the virtues of close-knit family life.
Night Guardoffers the chance to get up close and personal with our very own security industry and see what really goes down as its men prowl the empty streets at night.
Klaus the Tech lives with his parents and likes scuba diving. JP, the Night Guard boss, is his brother-in-law. JP, who took over the firm from his dad, has two brothers in the business, Zaine the Train and Moolie the Giant.
Their sidekicks in the patrol team include Trevor the Cowboy, whose adenoidal commentaries seem to indicate the lift may not go all the way to the top floor, and for a little more colour, there is buff (and black) Dave the Muscle.
You have to admire the Eblen brothers' entrepreneurial initiative: turning their testosterone-fuelled, adrenalin-seeking exploits into a pseudo-doccie reality series complete with straight-to-camera commentary, swervy hand-held shots and pixillated miscreants.
One day, when unearthed in a dusty video archive, this series may be considered valuable historical footage, giving future generations a good sense of who we were and how we lived in the suburbs of South Africa. But, right now, if it's to keep the Keystone Cops imagery at bay, it needs to rack up the action, cut the family values homilies and take down one or two real bad-ass criminals.
- 'Night Guard' is on DStv 126 Fox Crime on Tuesday at 8.30pm
Just R20 for the first month. Support independent journalism by subscribing to our digital news package. 
