Restaurant reviews are a dime a dozen now that everyone gets to be a critic on social media. In the face of the dilettante customer-reviewer phenomenon, I can't help feeling that a new sort of critique, in which the customer is under review, would be a good idea.Just in case this idea cottons on big-time, here are some hot tips for you nightmare customers (in the minority, thank God) which may help you to get a good review posted by restaurants you frequent. At the very least, it may stop you from going on to the restaurant's blacklist (yes, these exist):Arrive on time. Surely I don't need to explain why?If you can't arrive at all, then cancel. When you don't show, you have cost the restaurant the price of every absent person's meal at that empty table. Particularly irksome when five other parties wanting that table were turned down.Who'd have thought this needed to be said to grown-ups? But I know from gruesome experience that it does: do not put your disgusting blob of chewing gum under the table when you're done with it, for the wait-staff to discover during cleaning.There is a menu for a reason. These particular dishes are what the kitchen has geared itself to do. So pretty please, don't order off the menu. If you have a dietary issue, then phone beforehand. Nearly all restaurants and chefs will accommodate you if told in good time.Chefs don't like changes on the spot, not because they're prima donnas (well not much) but for purely practical reasons. In a restaurant kitchen, making the food taste good is only a small part of the job (the easiest part). The real skill is in managing people, logistics, timing. 8pm Friday night: "New order, one chilli brinjal , three mussels, two skewers. why haven't mains on tables 8, 15 and 3 been called?. hold on the soup for table 2, I'm still busy on my artichoke. new order, two quail, one paneer. pick up mains table 14. where are the desserts on tables 6 and 10?. new order, two Caesar, three fennel salad, one artichokes, one braesola, all sharing . pick up mains table 8. those desserts please. new order, three seabass. onion allergy, oh &*%$." It's gunfire, it's boot-camp. Do you see why we can't invent a new sauce for your fish right now?Treat your server with the same courtesy you expect. Don't behave as if they're your employees or as if you're a rung up the social ladder from them. This is hideously uncool. Always remember: just as a bad restaurant can turn a decent person plain savage, a bad customer can bring out the very devil in a normally good eating place...