The Big Read: You gotta be kidding, señor

Hell, Dante tells us, has nine circles, each one reserved for souls guilty of particular sins.

The greedy, for example, go to the Third Circle, while heretics are flung down into the Fourth. If you've lived a lustful life, full of debauchery and fornication, you will find yourself in the second circle, writhing and naked with millions of other lustful souls who - wait, how exactly is that a punishment?

According to Dante, the worst Circles of Hell are reserved for fraudsters and traitors, suggesting that he'd had an unfortunate disagreement with his publisher over royalties. But the great Italian fell short in his demonic visions, because there is another Circle of Hell: the Tenth.

It is a place of infinite suffering and utter despair, echoing with the wailing of the damned.

It is a movie theatre called Cinepolis Junior.

The company responsible for this living nightmare is a Mexican chain of movie theatres called Cinepolis, presumably Senior, although given that it's Mexican that might be Señor.

Señor Cinepolis wants to get more children into its cinemas. But, as the LA Times explained in its coverage of the diabolical new scheme, it can be "hard for young children to sit still for two hours, and that can turn a trip to the movies into an ordeal for parents".

Cinepolis's solution? Turn it into an ordeal for everyone, so parents don't have to suffer alone.

That's why they are building playgrounds inside movie theatres.

Jungle gyms. Beanbags. Slides.

Inside the theatre. Just next to the seats.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Apart from the fact that I'm pretty sure this violates the Geneva Convention, I can't see how this satanic intervention is going to encourage children to watch films. It's like primary schools deciding to teach children by taking them to a paintball range. Sure, they'll see the odd word on a few signposts, and they'll certainly sound out their letters - "Aaaaa! Eeeee! Miss, he shot me in the face! Oooooo!" - but I'm not convinced it will engender in them a lifelong love of literature.

One could argue that Señor Diablo isn't actually doing it for the kiddies but is rather offering exhausted parents a chance to spend two hours asleep in a comfortable chair while their offspring gambol about in a tiny bespoke zoo. But then why go to the movies at all? Or is the secret hope that some other parents, slightly less sleep-deprived and more community-minded than yourself, will look after your brood as well as theirs?

No, there are only two logical explanations for this monstrosity. Either Cinepolis was sold the idea by Netflix ("No, really, this will totally get more people into cinemas. Heh heh.") or the Devil himself has gone into the movie business.

Then again, my own cinema-going history is peppered with fairly hellish moments.

For example, you haven't known mortification until your parents have taken 11-year-old you to see Dirty Dancing, and, as the resort dancers indulge in some off-duty bum-grabbing and pelvis-grinding, you've prayed for the earth to open up and swallow you whole.

Likewise, there was the time I took a girlfriend to see Titanic and she began to sob the moment the film began. I was perturbed. Was it something I'd said? Had she just received terrible news via SMS on her incredibly expensive and stylish Nokia 3110? "No," she sobbed, "I just know what's going to happen."

Happen? But . that was still three hours away! And if she was blubbing now, with everyone still alive, what was it going to be like when Kate and Leo went overboard and tried to cling to that plank? Would she be screaming and thrashing and tearing out her hair? And how could I ask that question without seeming callous? Worse, people were starting to glare at me. Bastard. He's taken her to the movies to break up with her, and he couldn't even wait until the end. Bastard.

Mostly, however, hell is other people, the ones you don't know: the wrapper-rustlers, the straw slurpers, the chair kickers, or simply those peculiar innocents who don't seem to understand that the story will unfold within the next 90 minutes.

"How is Frodo going to get away from the spider?" they cry. "Hey? How?!" I long to take them aside and tell them that the studio paid $300-million just so that their question would be answered. But mostly I want to ask them why they seem so unfamiliar with the conventions of storytelling. Did they have particularly busy parents? "'Goldilocks gasped: the three bears had returned! And then - Sorry, love, got to take this call. Good night."

No, I have to admit that I've never had the idyllic cinema experience - cinema paradiso. My consolation, however, is that Mexico and California are a world away, and I will never endure cinema purgatorio, either. Cinepolis Junior? Hell no.